A woman walks into a drugstore and asks the pharmacist if he sells size extra large condoms.
He replies, "Yes we do. Would you like to buy some?"
She responds, "No, but do you mind if I wait around here until someone does?

 

An old lady dies and goes to heaven. She is chatting to St. Peter at the Pearly Gates when all of a sudden she hears the most awful blood-curdling screams.

"Don't worry about that," says St.Peter, "it's only someone having the holes bored on their shoulder blades for the wings."

The old lady looks a little uncomfortable but carries on with the conversation. Ten minutes later, there are more blood-curdling screams.

"Oh my goodness," says the old lady, "now what is happening?"

"Not to worry," says St. Peter, "they are just having their head drilled to fit the halo."

"I can't do this," says the old lady, "I'm off down to hell."

"You can't go there," says St. Peter, "You'll be raped and sodomized."

"Yes" says the old lady, "but I've already got the holes for that"

 

A guy and a girl meet at a bar. They get along so well that they decide to go to the girl's place. A few drinks later, the guy takes off his shirt and then washes his hands. He then takes off his pants and washes his hands.

The girl watches him and says, "You must be a dentist" The guy, surprised, says "Yes ... how did you figure that out?"

The girl says, "Easy . you keep washing your hands." One thing led to another and they make love. After they were done, the girl says, "You must be a great dentist."

The guy, now with a boosted ego says, "Yes, I sure am a great dentist.. How did you figure that out?"

The girl says, "Easy ... I didn't feel a thing!"

 

Notes From An Inexperienced Chili Taster Named Frank, Who Was Visiting Texas:


Recently I was honored to be selected as a judge at a chili cook-off because no one else wanted to do it. The original person called in sick at the last moment, and I happened to be standing there at the judge's table asking directions to the beer wagon when the call came.


I was assured by the other two judges, both native Texans, that the chili wouldn't be all that spicy, and they told me I could have free beer during the tasting, so I accepted.


Here are the scorecards from the event:


Chili #1: Mike's Maniac Mobster Monster Chili

JUDGE ONE: A little too heavy on tomato. Amusing kick.

JUDGE TWO: Nice, smooth tomato flavor. Very mild.

FRANK: Holy smokes, what is this stuff? You could remove dried paint from your driveway with it. Took me two lemonades to put the flames out. Hope that's the worst one. These hicks are crazy.


Chili #2: Arthur's Afterburner Chili

JUDGE ONE: Smoky with a hint of pork. Slight Jalapeno tang.

JUDGE TWO: Exciting BBQ flavor; needs more peppers to be taken seriously.

FRANK: Keep this out of reach of children! I'm not sure what I am supposed to taste besides pain. I had to wave off two people who wanted to give me the Heimlich maneuver. Shoved my way to the front of the lemonade line.


Chili #3: Fred's Famous Burn Down the Barn Chili

JUDGE ONE: Excellent firehouse chili! Great kick. Needs more beans.

JUDGE TWO: A beanless chili. A bit salty; good use of red peppers.

FRANK: This has got to be a joke. Call the EPA; I've located a uranium spill. My nose feels like I have been snorting Drano. Everyone knows the routine by now and got out of my way so I could make it to the lemonade stand. Lady at the lemonade stand pounded me on the back; now my backbone is in the front part of my chest.


Chili #4: Bubba's Black Magic

JUDGE ONE: Black bean chili with almost no spice. Disappointing.

JUDGE TWO: Hint of lime in the black beans. Good side dish for fish or other mild foods; not much of a chili.

FRANK: I felt something scraping across my tongue, but was unable to taste it. Sally, the lady at the lemonade stand, was standing behind me with fresh refills so I wouldn't have to dash over to see her.


Chili #5: Linda's Legal Lip Remover

JUDGE ONE: Meaty, strong chili. Cayenne peppers freshly ground, adding

considerable kick. Very impressive.

JUDGE TWO: Chili using shredded beef; could use more tomato. Must admit the cayenne peppers make a strong statement.

FRANK: My ears are ringing, and I can no longer focus my eyes. I expelled gas and four people behind me needed paramedics. The contestant seemed hurt when I told her that her chili had given me brain damage. Sally saved my tongue by pouring lemonade directly on it from a pitcher. Sort of irritates me that one of the other judges asked me to stop screaming.


Chili #6: Vera's Very Vegetarian Variety

JUDGE ONE: Thin, yet bold vegetarian variety chili. Good balance of spice and peppers.

JUDGE TWO: The best yet. Aggressive use of peppers, onions, and garlic. Superb.

FRANK: My intestines are now a straight pipe filled with gaseous flames. No one seems inclined to stand behind me except Sally.


Chili #7: Susan's Screaming Sensation Chili

JUDGE ONE: A mediocre chili with too much reliance on canned peppers.

JUDGE TWO: Ho hum. Tastes as if the chef threw in canned chili peppers at the last moment. I should note that I am worried about Judge No. 3. He appears to be in a bit of distress.

FRANK: You could put a grenade in my mouth and pull the pin, and I wouldn't feel it. I've lost the sight in one eye, and the world sounds like it is made of rushing water. My clothes are covered with chili that slid unnoticed out of my mouth at some point. Good! At autopsy they'll know what killed me. I've decided to stop breathing: It's too painful, and I'm not getting any oxygen anyway. If I need air, I'll just suck it in through the 4-inch hole in my stomach.


Chili #8: Helen's Mount St. Chili

JUDGE ONE: A perfect ending. This is a nice blended chili, safe for all; not too bold but spicy enough to declare its existence.

JUDGE TWO: This final entry is a good, balanced chili, neither mild nor hot. Sorry to see that most of it was lost when Judge Number 3 fell and pulled the chili pot on top of himself.

FRANKEditor's note: Judge No. 3 was unable to report.)

 

WHERE THE DOG AND CAT CAME FROM

A newly discovered chapter in the Book of Genesis has provided the
answer to "Where do pets come from?"
Adam said, "Lord, when I was in the garden, you walked with me
every day. Now I do not see you anymore. I am lonesome here and it is
difficult for me to remember how much you love me."
And God said, "No problem! I will create a companion for you that
will be with you forever and who will be a reflection of my love for
you, so that you will love me even when you cannot see me. Regardless
of how selfish or childish or unlovable you may be, this new companion
will accept you as you are & will love you as I do, in spite of
yourself."
And God created a new animal to be a companion for Adam. And it was
a good animal. And God was pleased. And the new animal was pleased to
be with Adam and he wagged his tail. And Adam said, "Lord, I have
already named all the animals in the Kingdom and I cannot think of a
name for this new animal."
And God said, "No problem. Because I have created this new animal
to be a reflection of my love for you, his name will be a reflection
of my own name, "and you will call him DOG."
And Dog lived with Adam and was a companion to him and loved him.
And Adam was comforted. And God was pleased. And Dog was content and
wagged his tail.
After a while, it came to pass that Adam's guardian angel came to
the Lord and said, "Lord, Adam has become filled with pride. He struts
and preens like peacock and he believes he is worthy of adoration. Dog
has indeed taught him that he is loved, but perhaps too well."
And God said, "No problem! I will create for him a companion who
will be with him forever and who will see him as he is. The companion
will remind him of his limitations, so he will know that he is not
always worthy of adoration."
And God created CAT to be a companion to Adam.
And Cat would not obey Adam.
And when Adam gazed into Cat's eyes, he was reminded that he was
not the supreme being. And Adam learned humility.
And God was pleased.
And Adam was greatly improved.
And Dog was happy.
And the cat didn't give a shit one way or the other.

Amen

 

Ok, let's try with some portuguese jokes.............(and sorry for the translation )


Women are the best engine.........


- they work only with a piston

- any piston works

- they lubrificate by themselves

- they turn on with 1 finger only

- they change oil every month

- a full tank is for 9 months

 

Once upon a time there lived a king. The king had a beautiful daughter, the princess.
But there was a problem. Everything the princess touched would melt.
No matter what; metal, wood, plastic anything she touched would melt.
Because of this, men were afraid of her. Nobody would dare marry her.
The king despaired. What could he do to help his daughter? He consulted his wizards and magicians.
One wizard told the king,
"If your daughter touches one thing that does not melt in her hands, she will be cured."
The king was overjoyed. The next day, he held a competition. Any man that could bring his daughter an object that would not melt would marry her
and inherit the king's wealth.
Three young princes took up the challenge.
The first prince brought a very hard alloy of titanium.
But alas, once the princess touched it, it melted. The prince went away sadly.
The second prince brought a huge diamond, thinking that diamond is the hardest substance in the world and would not melt. But alas, once the princess touched it, it melted. He too was sent away disappointed.
The third prince approached. He told the princess, "Put your hand in my pocket and feel what is in there."
The princess did as she was told, though she turned red. She felt something hard. She held it in her hand. And it did not melt!!!
The king was overjoyed. Everybody in the kingdom was overjoyed.
And the third prince married the princess and they both lived happily ever after.

Question:
What was the object in the prince's pants?
(Scroll down for the answer)













They were M&M's of course.
They melt in your mouth, not in your hand.

What were you thinking?

 

Cool...this thread is really taking off!! But where is Duncan?? He started it! Luis - I was in Portugal last June for 9 days. LOVED, LOVED, LOVED it! OK...let's see what I've got in the file for today.

A husband and wife are in bed watching "Who Wants to
be a Millionaire".
The husband asks for sex. The wife says, "No."
Her husband asks, "Is that your final answer?"
She responds, "Yes."
He says, "Then I'd like to call a friend."

 

Becky was on her deathbed. Her husband, Jake, was maintaining a vigil by her side. He held her fragile hand, tears ran down his face. His praying roused her from her slumber.

She looked up and her pale lips began to move slightly. "My darling Jake," she whispered. "Hush, my love," he said. "Rest. Shhh. Don't talk."

She was insistent. "Jake," she said in her tired voice. " I have something I must confess to you." "There's nothing to confess," replied the weeping Jake. "Everything's all right, go to sleep ."
"No, no. I must die in peace, Jake. I slept with your brother, your best friend and your father."

"I know," he replied. "That's why I poisoned you."

 

A man takes his Rottweiler to the vet and says, "My dog is cross-eyed, is there anything you can do for him? "

"Well," says the vet, "let's have a look at him." So, the vet picks the dog up and examines his eyes, then checks his teeth. Finally, he says, "I'm going to have to put him down," says the vet.

"What? Because he's cross-eyed?"

"No," says the vet, "because he's really heavy."