One day avant-garde violinist Malcolm Goldstein, US Ambassador to Spain Eduardo Aguirre, and television's Tony Danza were on a jungle vacation together when they were caught by a tribal group.
Before they were about to be executed, they pleaded to the Queen of the Tribe for mercy. She said, ''Get me something good to eat. If I like it, you will be freed.'' The three men looked at each other and agreed. They then went into the jungle to look for some food

Malcolm Goldstein was the first to come back. He came up to the altar and offered grapes. The Queen tasted one and immediately spat it out. She ordered her servants to shove the rest of the grapes up Malcolm Goldstein's ass. The servants did their duty, and left Malcolm Goldstein lying on theground screaming.

Eduardo Aguirre was the next to arrive with some yummy apples. The same thing happened to him, but curiously he laughed as the apples were shoved up his ass. Malcolm Goldstein was shocked. Here he was with grapes up his ass howling in pain, but Eduardo Aguirre had several apples in his ass and he was laughing. He asked him ''What the hell are you laughing about?''

A laughing Eduardo Aguirre replied ''Tony Danza's coming back with a watermelon.'''

 

Thats gonna HURT!

 

how to dance !
Learning English
hehehe
Library game show
100 vs 1
New windows startup

 

Hillary Clinton goes to a primary school in New York to talk about the
world. After her talk she offers a question time.

One little boy puts up his hand. The Senator asks him what his name is.
"Kenneth."
"And what is your question, Kenneth?"
"I have three questions:
First - whatever happened to the medical health
care plan you were paid to develop during your husband's eight years in the
office as President?
Second - why would you run for
President after your husband shamed the office?
Third - whatever happened to
all those things you took when you left the White House?"

Just then the bell rings for recess. Hillary Clinton informs the kids that
they will continue after recess.
When they resume, Hillary says, "Okay, where were we? Oh, that's right,
question time. Who has a question?" A different little boy puts his hand
up. Hillary point him out and asks him what his name is.

"Larry."

"And what is your que stion, Larry?"

"I have five questions:
First - whatever happened to the medical health care
plan you were paid to develop during your husband's eight years in the
office as President?
Second - why would you run for President after your
husband shamed the office?
Third -whatever happened to all those things you took when you left the
White House?
Fourth- why did the recess bell go off 20 minutes early?
Fifth - what happened to Kenneth?"

 

A first-grade teacher, Ms. Brooks, was having trouble with one of her
> students. The teacher asked, "Harry, what's your problem?"
> Harry answered, "I'm too smart for the 1st grade. My sister is in the
> 3rd grade and I'm smarter than she is! I think I should be in the 3rd grade
> too!"
>
> Ms. Brooks had enough. She took Harry to the principal's office.
>
> While Harry waited in the outer office, the teacher explained to the
> principal what the situation was. The principal told Ms. Brooks he
> would give the boy a test If he failed to answer any of his questions he was
> to go back to the 1st grade and behave She agreed.
>
> Harry was brought in and the conditions were explained to him and he
> agreed to take the test.
>
> Principal: "What is 3 x 3?"
> Harry: "9."
>
> Principal: "What is 6 x 6?"
> Harry: "36."
>
> And so it went with every question the principal thought a 3rd grader
> should know.
>
> The principal looks at Ms. Brooks and tells her, "I think Harry can go
> to the 3rd grade."
>
> Ms. Brooks says to the principal, "Let me ask him some questions."
>
> The principal and Harry both agreed.
>
> Ms. Brooks asks,
> "What does a cow have four of that I have only two
> of?"
> Harry, after a moment: "Legs."
>
> Ms. Brooks: "What is in your pants that you have but I do not have?"
> The principal wondered why would she ask such a question!
> Harry replied: "Pockets."
>
> Ms. Brooks: "What does a dog do that a man steps into?"
> Harry: "Pants."
>
> Ms. Brooks: What starts with a C, ends with a T, is hairy, oval,
> delicious and contains thin, whitish liquid?"
> Harry: "Coconut."
>
> The principal sat forward with his mouth hanging open.
>
> Ms. Brooks: "What goes in hard and pink then comes out soft and
> sticky?"
>
> The principal's eyes opened really wide and before he could stop the
> answer,
> Harry replied, "Bubble gum."
>
> Ms. Brooks: "What does a man do standing up, a woman does sitting down
> and a dog does on three legs?"
>
> Harry: "Shake hands."
>
> The principal was trembling.
>
> Ms. Brooks: "What word starts with an 'F' and ends in 'K' that means a
> lot of heat and excitement?"
>
> Harry: "Fire truck."
>
> The principal breathed a sigh of relief and told the teacher, "Put
> Harry in the fifth-grade, I got the last seven questions wrong...... "

 

Grandma

What's that wrinkly thing on Grandma?

Grandpa.

 

A man died and went to Heaven. As he stood in front of the Pearly Gates, he saw a huge wall of clocks behind him. He asked, "What are all those clocks?"

St. Peter answered, "Those are Lie-Clocks. Everyone on earth has a Lie-Clock. Every time you lie the hands on your clock move."

"Oh", said the man. "Whose clock is that?"

"That's Mother Teresa's", replied St. Peter. "The hands have never moved, indicating that she never told a lie."

"Incredible", said the man. "And whose clock is that one?"

St. Peter responded, "That's Abraham Lincoln's clock. The hands have moved twice, telling us that Abraham told only two lies in his entire life."

"Where's Hilary's clock?" asked the man.

"Hilary's clock is in Jesus' office. He's using it as a ceiling fan."

 

A male patient is lying in bed in the hospital, wearing an oxygen mask
over his mouth and nose.

A young female student nurse appears to give him a partial sponge bath.

"Nurse", he mumbles from behind the mask, "Are my testicles black?"

Embarrased, the young nurse replies, "I don't know, Sir, I'm only here
to wash your upper body and feet."

He struggles to ask again, "Nurse, are my testicles black?"

Concerned that he may elevate his blood pressure and heart rate from
worry about his testicles, she overcomes her embarrassment and pulls
back the covers.
She raises his gown, holds his manhood in one hand and his testicles in
the other. Then, she takes a close look and says, "There's nothing
wrong with them, Sir!."

The man pulls off his oxygen mask, smiles at her and says very slowly.
"Thank you ver y much. That was wonderful, but listen very, very
closely......

Are - my - test - results - back ?

 

A 92 year-old man went to the Doctor to get a physical. A few days later the Dr. saw the man walking down the street with a gorgeous young lady on his arm.

A couple of days later the Dr. talked to the man and said, "You're really doing great, aren't you?"

The man replied, "Just doing what you said Doctor, 'Get a hot mamma and be cheerful."

The Doctor said, "I didn't say that. I said you got a heart murmur. Be careful."