A man and a woman, who have never met before, but are both married to
other people, found themselves assigned to the same sleeping room on a
transcontinental train. Though initially embarrassed and uneasy over
sharing a room, they were both very tired and fell asleep quickly...he
in the upper bunk and she in the lower.
> >
At 1:00 AM , the man leaned over and gently woke the woman saying,
Ma'am, I'm sorry to bother you, but would you be willing to reach into the closet to get me a second blanket? I'm awfully cold."
> >
I have a better idea," she replied. "Just for tonight, let's pretend that
we're married."
> >
> >"Wow! That's a great idea!" he exclaimed.
> >
> >"Good," she replied. "Get your own %#@*!% blanket!"

> >
> >After a moment of silence... he farted.

 

One day Bill Clinton was talking to Hillary. He was going on a vacation and before he left said, "Whatever you do don't look under my bed." So while Bill was on vacation Hillary got curious and decided to look under his bed. She found a million dollars and 2 empty beer cans. When Bill came home she said, "What's with the two beer cans under your bed?" Bill replied, "Oh. That marks all the times I've cheated on you." "Well, I forgive you," said Hillary, "But then what's with the million dollars?" He replied, "I've started to recycle."

 

Excerpts from a Dog's Daily Diary:

8:00 am - Dog food! My favorite thing!
9:00 am - A car ride! My favorite thing!
9:40 am - A walk in the park! My favorite thing!
10:30 am - Got rubbed and petted! My favorite thing
12:00 pm - Lunch! My favorite thing!
1:00 pm - Played in the yard! My favorite thing!
3:00 pm - Wagged my tail! My favorite thing!
5:00 pm - Milk Bones! My favorite thing!
7:00 pm - Got to play ball! My favorite thing!
8:00 pm - Wow! Watched TV with the people! My favorite thing!
11:00 pm - Sleeping on the bed! My favorite thing!

Excerpts from a Cat's Daily Diary:

Day 683 of my captivity: My captors continue to taunt me with bizarre
little dangling objects. They dine lavishly on fresh meat, while the other
inmates and I are fed hash or some sort of dry nuggets. Although I make my
contempt for the rations perfectly clear, I nevertheless must eat something
in order to keep up my strength.

The only thing that keeps me going is my dream of escape. In an attempt to
disgust them, I once again vomit on the floor.

Today I decapitated a mouse and dropped its headless body at their feet. I
had hoped this would strike fear into their hearts, since it clearly
demonstrates what I am capable of. However, they merely made condescending
comments about what a "good little hunter" I am. The audacity!

There was some sort of assembly of their accomplices tonight. I was placed
in solitary confinement for the duration of the event. However, I could
hear the noises and smell the food. I overheard that my confinement was due
to the power of "allergies." I must learn what this means, and how to use
it to my advantage.

Today I was almost successful in an attempt to assassinate one of my
tormentors by weaving around his feet as he was walking. I must try this
again tomorrow -- but at the top of the stairs.

I am convinced that the other prisoners here are flunkies and snitches. The
dog receives special privileges. He is regularly released - and seems to be
more than willing to return. He is obviously retarded!

The bird has got to be an informant. I observe him communicate with the
guards regularly. I am certain that he reports my every move. My captors
have arranged protective custody for him in an elevated cell, so he is
safe....... For now...

 

Top Four Adult Jokes

Fourth Place:

A man bumps into a woman in a hotel lobby and as he does, his elbow
goes into her breast. They are both quite startled. The man turns to
her and says, "Ma'am, if your heart is as soft as your breast, I know
you'll forgive me." She replies, "If your penis is as hard as your
elbow, I'm in room 221."

Third Place:

One night, as a couple lays down for bed, the husband starts rubbing
his wife's arm. The wife turns over and says "I'm sorry honey, I've
got a gynecologist appointment tomorrow and I want to stay fresh. The
husband, rejected, turns over. A few minutes later, he rolls back over
and taps his wife again. "Do you have a dentist appointment tomorrow
too?"

Runner Up:

Bill worked in a pickle factory. He had been employed there for a
number of years when he came home one day to confess to his wife that
he had a terrible compulsion. He had an urge to stick his penis into
the pickle slicer. His wife suggested that he should see a sex
therapist to talk about it, but Bill said he would be too embarrassed.
He vowed to overcome the compulsion on his own. One day a few weeks
later , Bill came home and his wife could see at once that something
was seriously wrong.

What's wrong, Bill?" she asked.

"Do you remember that I told you how I had this tremendous urge to put
my penis into the pickle slicer?"

Oh, Bill, you didn't" she exclaimed.

Yes, I did" he replied.

My God, Bill, what happened?"

"I got fired."

"No, Bill. I mean, what happened with the pickle slicer?"

" Oh...she got fired too."

Winner:

A couple had been married for 50 years. They were sitting at the
breakfast table one morning when the wife says, "Just think, fifty
years ago we were sitting here at this breakfast table together." "I
know," the old man said. "We were probably sitting here naked as a
jaybird fifty years ago." "Well," Granny snickered. "Let's relive some
old times."

Where upon, the two stripped to the buff and sat down at the table.
"You know, honey," the little old lady breathlessly replied, "My
nipples are as hot for you today as they were fifty years ago." "I
wouldn't be surprised," replied Gramps. "One's in your coffee and the
other is in your oatmeal."

 

A passenger in a taxi leaned over to ask the driver a question and tapped him on the shoulder. The driver screamed, lost control of the cab, nearly hit a bus, drove up over the curb, and stopped just inches from a large plate glass window.

For a few moments everything was silent in the cab, and then the still shaking driver said, "I'm sorry but you scared the daylights out of me."

The frightened passenger apologized to the driver and said he didn't realize a mere tap on the shoulder could frighten him so much.

The driver replied, "No, no, I'm sorry, it's entirely my fault. Today is my first day driving a cab. I've been driving a hearse for the last 25 years."

 

Subject:Installing Husband



Dear Tech Support,



Last year I upgraded from Boyfriend 5.0 to Husband 1.0 and

noticed a distinct slow down in overall system performance --

particularly in the flower and jewelry applications, which operated

flawlessly under Boyfriend 5.0.



In addition, Husband 1.0 uninstalled many other valuable

programs, such as Romance 9.5 and Personal Attention 6.5 and then installed

undesirable programs such as NFL 5.0, NBA 3.0, and Golf Clubs 4.1 .

Conversation 8.0 no longer runs, and Housecleaning 2.6 simply crashes the

system. I've tried running Nagging 5.3 to fix these problems, but to no

avail.



What can I do?



Signed,

Desperate



-----------------------------------------------------------------

Dear Desperate



First keep in mind, Boyfriend 5.0 is an Entertainment Package,

while Husband 1.0 is an Operating System.



Please enter the command "http: I Thought You Loved Me.html" and

try to download Tears 6.2 and don't forget to install the Guilt 3.0 update.

If that application works as designed, Husband 1.0 should then

automatically run the applications Jewelry 2.0 and Flowers 3.5.



But remember, overuse of the above application can cause Husband

1.0 to default to Grumpy Silence 2.5, Happy Hour 7.0 or Beer 6.1. Beer 6.1

is a very bad program that will download the Snoring Loudly Beta.



Whatever you do, DO NOT install Mother-in-law 1.0 (it runs a

virus in the background that will eventually seize control of all your

system resources). Also, do not attempt to reinstall the Boyfriend 5.0

program.&n bsp; These are unsupported applications and will crash Husband 1.0.



In summary, Husband 1.0 is a great program, but it does have

limited memory and cannot learn new applications quickly. You might

consider buying additional software to improve memory and performance. We

recommend Food 3.0 and Hot Lingerie 7.7.



Good Luck,

Tech Support

 

 

 

"Why I fired my secretary?!" LMAO.. SO FUNNY!
Body: Why I fired my secretary





> Last week was my birthday
> and I didn't feel very well
> waking up on that morning.
>
> I went downstairs for breakfast
> hoping my wife would be pleasant and say,
> "Happy Birthday!",
> and possibly have a small present for me.
>
>
> As it turned out,
> she barely said good morning,
> let alone "Happy Birthday."
>
>
> I thought...
> Well, that's marriage for you,
> but the kids....
> They will remember.
>
> My kids came bounding down stairs to breakfast
> and didn't say a word.
> So when I left for the office,
> I felt pretty low and somewhat despondent.
>
>
> As I walked into my office,
> my secretary Jane said,
> "Good Morning Boss,
> and by the way Happy Birthday !"
> It felt a little better that at least someone had remembered.
>
>
> I worked until one o'clock,
> when Jane knocked on my door
> and said, "You know,
> It's such a beautiful day outside,
> and it is your Birthday,
> what do you say we go out to lunch,
> just you and me."
>
>
> I said, "Thanks, Jane,
> that's the greatest thing
> I've heard all day.
> Let's go !"
>
>
> We went to lunch.
> But we didn't go
> where we normally would go.
> She chose instead at a quite bistro
> with a private table.
> We had two martinis each
> and I enjoyed the meal tremendously.
>
>
> On the way back to the office,
> Jane said, "You know,
> It's such a beautiful day...
> We don't need to go straight back to the office,
> Do We ?"
>
>
> I responded,
> "I guess not. What do you have in mind ?"
> She said,
> "Let's drop by my apartment,
>
> it's just around the corner."
>
>
>
> After arriving at her apartment,
> Jane turned to me and said,
> " Boss, if you don't mind,
> I'm going to step into the bedroom
> for just a moment.
> I'll be right back."
>
>
> "Ok." I nervously replied.
>
>
> She went into the bedroom and,
>
> after a couple of minutes,
>
> she came out
>
> carrying a huge birthday cake ..
>
> Followed
>
> by my wife,
>
> my kids,
>
> and dozens of my friends
>
> and co-workers,
>
> all singing "Happy Birthday".
>
>
>
>
>
> And I just sat there...
>
>
>
>
>
> On the couch...
>
>
>
>
>
> Naked.