Dictionary for women

Diet Soda (dy*it so*da) n. A drink you buy at a convenience store to go with a half pound bag of peanut M&Ms.

Eternity (e*ter*ni*tee) n. The last two minutes of a football game.

Exercise (ex*er*siz) v. To walk up and down a mall, occasionally resting to make a purchase.

 

If storks deliver white babies,
and crows deliver black babies,
What kind of bird delivers no babies?

a swallow


For years, sixty-year old Bob has been trying to convince his wife, Edna, to perform oral sex on him. On night, Bob said to Edna, "Now I'm getting older and I don't know how much longer I'll be able to get it up. God blessed me with a penis and you with those beautiful lips. Just once sweetheart, lets give it a shot huh? We've been together this long and done soo many things together.." Edna cuts him short and agrees. She begins performing oral sex on Bob and is doing quite a good job at it. Phone rings. Bob without hesitation picks it up, hands it to Edna and says, "It's for you cocksucker"

 

They're Back! Church Bulletins: Thank God for the church ladies who type them. These sentences actually appeared in church bulletins or were announced in church services:

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The Fasting & Prayer Conference includes meals.
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The sermon this morning: "Jesus Walks on the Water." The sermon tonight: "Searching for Jesus."
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Our youth basketball team is back in action Wednesday at 8 PM in the recreation hall. Come out and watch us kill Christ the King.
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Ladies, don't forget the rummage sale. It's a chance to get rid of those things not worth keeping around the house. Bring your husbands.
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The peacemaking meeting scheduled for today has been canceled due to a conflict.
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Remember in prayer the many who are sick of our community. Smile at someone who is hard to love. Say "Hell" to someone who doesn't care much about you.
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Don't let worry kill you off - let the Church help.
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Miss Charlene Mason sang "I will not pass this way again," giving obvious pleasure to the congregation.
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For those of you who have children and don't know it, we have a nursery downstairs.
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Next Thursday there will be tryouts for the choir. They need all the help they can get.
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The Rector will preach his farewell message after which the choir will sing: "Break Forth Into Joy."
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Irving Benson and Jessie Carter were married on October 24 in the church. So ends a friendship that began in their school days.
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At the evening service tonight, the sermon topic will be "What Is Hell?" Come early and listen to our choir practice.
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Eight new choir robes are currently needed due to the addition of several new members and to the deterioration of some older ones.
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Scouts are saving aluminum cans, bottles and other items to be recycled. Proceeds will be used to cripple children.
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Please place your donation in the envelope along with the deceased person you want remembered.
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The church will host an evening of fine dining, super entertainment and gracious hostility.
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Potluck supper Sunday at 5:00 PM - prayer and medication to follow.
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Ladies Bible Study will be held Thursday morning at 10 AM. All ladies are invited to lunch in the Fellowship Hall after the B. S. is done.
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The pastor would appreciate it if the ladies of the congregation would lend him their electric girdles for the pancake breakfast next Sunday.
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The Low Self Esteem Support Group will meet Thursday at 7 PM. Please use the back door.
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The eighth-graders will be presenting Shakespeare's Hamlet in the Church basement Friday at 7 PM . The congregation is invited to attend this tragedy
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Weight Watchers will meet at 7 PM at the First Presbyterian Church. Please use large double door at the side entrance.
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The Associate Minister unveiled the church's new tithing campaign slogan last Sunday: "I Upped My Pledge - Up Yours

 

Here is the Washington Post's Mensa Invitational which once again
asked readers to take any word from the dictionary, alter it by
adding, subtracting, or changing one letter, and supply a new
definition. The winners are:

1. Cashtration (n.): The act of buying a house, which renders the
subject financially impotent for the remainder of their lives.

2. Ignoranus: A person who's both stupid and an a**hole.

3. Intaxication: Euphoria at getting a tax refund, which lasts until
you realize it was your money to start with.

4. Reintarnation: Coming back to life as a hillbilly.

5. Bozone (n.): The substance surrounding stupid people that stops
bright ideas from penetrating. The bozone layer, unfortunately,
shows little sign of breaking down in the near future.

6. Foreploy: Any misrepresentation about yourself for the purpose of
getting laid.

7. Giraffiti: Vandalism spray-painted very, very high

8. Sarchasm: The gulf between the author of sarcastic wit and the
person who doesn't get it.

9. Inoculatte: To take coffee intravenously when you are running late.

10. Hipatitis: Terminal coolness.

11. Osteopornosis: A degenerate disease. (This one got extra credit.)

12. Karmageddon: It's when everybody is sending off all these really
bad vibes, and then the Earth explodes and it's a serious bummer.

13. Decafalon (n.): The grueling event of getting through the day
consuming only things that are good for you

14. Glibido: All talk and no action.

15. Dopeler effect: The tendency of stupid ideas to seem smarter
when they come at you rapidly.

16. Arachnoleptic fit (n.): The frantic dance performed just after
you've accidentally walked through a spider web.

17. Beelzebug (n.): Satan in the form of a mosquito, that gets into
your bedroom at three in the morning and cannot be cast out.

18. Caterpallor (n.): The color you turn after finding half a worm
in the fruit you're eating.

 

The pastor entered his donkey in a race and it won. The pastor was so
pleased with the donkey that he entered it in the race again, and it won again.

The local paper read: PASTOR'S ASS OUT FRONT.

The Bishop was so upset with this kind of publicity that he ordered the
pastor not to enter the donkey in another race.

The next day, the Local paper headline read: BISHOP SCRATCHES PASTOR'S ASS.

This was too much for the bishop, so he ordered the pastor to get rid of the donkey.

The pastor decided to give it to a nun in a nearby convent.

The local paper, hearing of the news, posted the following headline the next day:

NUN HAS BEST ASS IN TOWN.

The bishop fainted. He informed the nun that she would have to get rid of the donkey,
so she sold it to a farmer for $10.

The next day the Paper read: NUN SELLS ASS FOR $10.

This was too much for the bishop, so he ordered the nun to buy back the donkey
and lead it to the plains where it could run wild.

The next day the headlines read: NUN ANNOUNCES HER ASS IS WILD AND FREE.

The bishop was buried the next day....

 

Since El Cinco the Mayo is comming up this weekend I thought I would educate americans as to why Mexicans (and Americans) celebrate this important holiday. And it goes something like this.....

Most people don't know that back in 1912, Hellmann's mayonnaise was manufactured in England. In fact, the Titanic was carrying 12,000 jars of the condiment scheduled for delivery in Vera Cruz, Mexico, which was to be the next port of call for the great ship after its stop in New York. This would have been the largest single shipment of mayonnaise ever delivered to Mexico. But as we know, the great ship did not make it to New York. The ship hit an iceberg and sank, and the cargo was forever lost. The people of Mexico, who were crazy about mayonnaise, and were eagerly awaiting its delivery, were disconsolate at the loss. Their anguish was so great, that they declared a National Day of Mourning, which they still observe to this day. The National Day of Mourning occurs each year on May 5th and is known, of course, as Sinko de Mayo.

 

Breaking into a house

A man went to the Police Station wishing to speak with the burglar who had broken into his house the night before.

"You'll get your chance in court." said the Desk Sergeant.

"No, no no!" said the man. "I want to know how he got into the house without waking my wife. I've been trying to do that for years!"

 

A Jamaican fireman came home from work one day and said to his wife
"Ya know sumptin' womon, we have a wonderful new system at de Fire Station:
Bell One rings, we put on our jackets.
Bell Two rings, we slide down de pole.
Bell Three rings, we jump on de engine.
So from now on womon, when I say "Bell One" I want you to strip naked.
When I say "Bell Two" you jump on de bed.
When I say "Bell Three" we's gonna mek love all tru de night girl."
The next night he came home and shouted: "Bell One!" and his wife stripped naked. "Bell Two!" and she jumped on the bed. "Bell Three!" and they started making love.
After a few minutes, the wife yelled out: "Bell Four!"
"WOMON - WHAT THE HELL IS "BELL FOUR", he asked.
She replied:"ROLL OUT MORE HOSE, MON, YOU AIN'T NOWHERE NEAR DA FIRE!"

 

A man was cleaning out old clothes from his closet, planning to give them to charity. In the pocket of a suit coat he found a shoe-repair ticket, about ten years old.
"I believe that place is still in business," he thought, so he went down to the shop. Without saying anything, he presented the ticket.
The man behind the counter looked at the number and said, "I'll have them for you tomorrow."

 

Who Says Cops Don't Have a Sense of Humor???




"Relax, the handcuffs are tight because they're new. They'll stretch out
after you wear them awhile."

"Take your hands off the car, and I'll make your birth certificate a
worthless document."

"If you run, you'll only go to jail tired."

"Can you run faster than 1,200 feet per second? In case you didn't know,
that is the average speed of a 9 mm bullet fired from my gun."

"So you don't know how fast you were going. I guess that means I can write
anything I want on the ticket, huh?"

"Yes Sir, you can talk to the shift supervisor, but I don't think it will
help. Oh .. did I mention that I am the shift supervisor?"

"Warning! You want a warning? O.K., I'm warning you not to do that again
or I'll give you another
ticket."

"The answer to this last question will determine whether you are drunk or
not. Was Mickey Mouse a cat or a dog?"

"Fair? You want me to be fair? Listen, fair is a place where you go to
ride on rides, eat cotton candy, and step in monkey poop."

"Yeah, we have a quota. Two more tickets and my wife gets a toaster oven."

"In God we trust, all others we run through NCIC." Just how big were those
two beers?"

"No sir, we don't have quotas anymore. We used to have quotas but now we're
allowed to write as many tickets as we want."

"I'm glad to hear the Chief of Police is a good personal friend of yours.
At least you know someone who can post your bail."

"You didn't think we give pretty women tickets? You're right, we don't.
.....Sign here.