JOKE OF THE DAY
Registered User
Joined: Feb 2007
Posts: 1,185
Likes: 0
From: Miami FL
Dr. Phil was conducting a group therapy session with four young mothers and their small children. "You all have obsessions," he observed.
To the first mother, he said, "You are obsessed with eating. You've even named your daughter Candy."
He turned to the second mom. "Your obsession is with money. Again, it manifests itself in your child's name, Penny."
He turns to the third mom. "Your obsession is alcohol. This, too, manifests itself in your child's name, Brandy."
At that point, the fourth mother got up, took her little boy by the hand and whispered, "Come on Dick, we're leaving
To the first mother, he said, "You are obsessed with eating. You've even named your daughter Candy."
He turned to the second mom. "Your obsession is with money. Again, it manifests itself in your child's name, Penny."
He turns to the third mom. "Your obsession is alcohol. This, too, manifests itself in your child's name, Brandy."
At that point, the fourth mother got up, took her little boy by the hand and whispered, "Come on Dick, we're leaving
Joined: Jun 2004
Posts: 107
Likes: 1
From: Miami, FL
A father put his three year old daughter to bed, told her a story and listened
to her prayers which she ended by saying:
"God bless Mommy, God bless Daddy, God bless Grandma and good-bye Grandpa."
The father asked, "Why did you say good-bye grandpa?" The little girl said, "I
don't know daddy, it just seemed like the thing to do."
The next day grandpa died. The father thought it was a strange coincidence. A
few months later the father put the girl to bed and listened to her prayers
which went like this:
"God bless Mommy, God bless Daddy and good-bye Grandma."
The next day the grandmother died. Oh my gosh, thought the father, this kid is
in contact with the other side.
Several weeks later when the girl was going to bed the dad heard her say:
"God bless Mommy and good-bye Daddy."
He practically went into shock. He couldn't sleep all night and got up at the
crack! of dawn to go to his office. He was nervous as a cat all day, had lunch
sent in and watched the clock. He figured if he could get by until midnight he
would be okay. He felt safe in the office, so instead of going home at the end
of the day he stayed there, drinking coffee, looking at his watch and jumping at
every sound. Finally midnight arrived, he breathed a sigh of relief and went
home.
When he got home his wife said "I've never seen you work so late, what's the
matter?"
He said "I don't want to talk about it, I've just spent the worst day of my
life."
She said "You think you had a bad day, you'll never believe what happened to me.
This morning the milkman dropped dead on our porch.
to her prayers which she ended by saying:
"God bless Mommy, God bless Daddy, God bless Grandma and good-bye Grandpa."
The father asked, "Why did you say good-bye grandpa?" The little girl said, "I
don't know daddy, it just seemed like the thing to do."
The next day grandpa died. The father thought it was a strange coincidence. A
few months later the father put the girl to bed and listened to her prayers
which went like this:
"God bless Mommy, God bless Daddy and good-bye Grandma."
The next day the grandmother died. Oh my gosh, thought the father, this kid is
in contact with the other side.
Several weeks later when the girl was going to bed the dad heard her say:
"God bless Mommy and good-bye Daddy."
He practically went into shock. He couldn't sleep all night and got up at the
crack! of dawn to go to his office. He was nervous as a cat all day, had lunch
sent in and watched the clock. He figured if he could get by until midnight he
would be okay. He felt safe in the office, so instead of going home at the end
of the day he stayed there, drinking coffee, looking at his watch and jumping at
every sound. Finally midnight arrived, he breathed a sigh of relief and went
home.
When he got home his wife said "I've never seen you work so late, what's the
matter?"
He said "I don't want to talk about it, I've just spent the worst day of my
life."
She said "You think you had a bad day, you'll never believe what happened to me.
This morning the milkman dropped dead on our porch.
Registered User
Joined: Dec 2005
Posts: 3,193
Likes: 0
From: Miami/305
Things to ponder
Are part-time bandleaders semi-conductors?
Can you buy an entire chess set in a pawn shop?
Daylight savings time - why are they saving it and where do they keep it?
Did Noah keep his bees in archives?
Do jellyfish get gas from eating jellybeans?
Are part-time bandleaders semi-conductors?
Can you buy an entire chess set in a pawn shop?
Daylight savings time - why are they saving it and where do they keep it?
Did Noah keep his bees in archives?
Do jellyfish get gas from eating jellybeans?
Joined: Oct 2005
Posts: 1,823
Likes: 1
>A little old lady answered a knock on the door one day, only to be
>confronted by a well-dressed young man carrying a vacuum cleaner.
>
>"Good morning," said the young man. "If I could take a couple of
>minutes of your time, I would like to demonstrate the very latest in
>high-powered vacuum cleaners"
>
>"Go away!" said the old lady. "I haven't got any money!", "I'm broke!"
>and she proceeded to close the door.
>
>Quick as a flash, the young man wedged his foot in the door and pushed
>wide open. "Don't be too hasty!" he said. "Not until you have at least
>seen my demonstration." And with that, he emptied a bucket of horse
>manure on to her hallway carpet.
>
>"If this vacuum cleaner does not remove all traces of this horse manure
>from your carpet, madam, I will personally eat the remainder.
>
>The old lady stepped back and said, "Well I hope you've got a good
>appetite, because they cut off my electricity this morning."
>
>What part of broke do you not understand?
>confronted by a well-dressed young man carrying a vacuum cleaner.
>
>"Good morning," said the young man. "If I could take a couple of
>minutes of your time, I would like to demonstrate the very latest in
>high-powered vacuum cleaners"
>
>"Go away!" said the old lady. "I haven't got any money!", "I'm broke!"
>and she proceeded to close the door.
>
>Quick as a flash, the young man wedged his foot in the door and pushed
>wide open. "Don't be too hasty!" he said. "Not until you have at least
>seen my demonstration." And with that, he emptied a bucket of horse
>manure on to her hallway carpet.
>
>"If this vacuum cleaner does not remove all traces of this horse manure
>from your carpet, madam, I will personally eat the remainder.
>
>The old lady stepped back and said, "Well I hope you've got a good
>appetite, because they cut off my electricity this morning."
>
>What part of broke do you not understand?
Registered User
Joined: Dec 2005
Posts: 3,193
Likes: 0
From: Miami/305
ITALIAN MOTHER
Mrs. Bacciagalupe comes to visit her son Anthony for dinner. Anthony lives with a female roommate, Maria.
During the course of the meal, Momma can't help but notice how pretty Anthony's roommate was. She had long been suspicious of the relationship between the two, and this made her more curious.
Over the course of the evening, while watching the two interact, she started to wonder if there was more between Anthony and his roommate than meets the eye.
Reading his Mom's thoughts, Anthony volunteered, "I know what you must be thinking, but I assure you, Mama, Maria and I are just roommates."
About a week later, Maria comes to Anthony saying, "Ever since your mother came to dinner, I've been unable to find the silver sugar bowl. You don't suppose she took it, do you?"
"Well, I doubt it, but I'll e-mail her, just to be sure." So he sends his Mom an email:
"Dear Momma, I'm not saying that you took the sugar bowl from my house, and I'm not saying that you didn't take it. But the fact remains that it has been missing ever since you were here for dinner.
Love,
Anthony"
Several days later, Anthony receives an email response from his Momma.
"Figlio mio, I'm not saying that you 'do' sleep with Maria, and I'm not saying that you 'do not' sleep with her. But the fact remains that if she was sleeping in her own bed, she would have found the sugar bowl by now."
Mrs. Bacciagalupe comes to visit her son Anthony for dinner. Anthony lives with a female roommate, Maria.
During the course of the meal, Momma can't help but notice how pretty Anthony's roommate was. She had long been suspicious of the relationship between the two, and this made her more curious.
Over the course of the evening, while watching the two interact, she started to wonder if there was more between Anthony and his roommate than meets the eye.
Reading his Mom's thoughts, Anthony volunteered, "I know what you must be thinking, but I assure you, Mama, Maria and I are just roommates."
About a week later, Maria comes to Anthony saying, "Ever since your mother came to dinner, I've been unable to find the silver sugar bowl. You don't suppose she took it, do you?"
"Well, I doubt it, but I'll e-mail her, just to be sure." So he sends his Mom an email:
"Dear Momma, I'm not saying that you took the sugar bowl from my house, and I'm not saying that you didn't take it. But the fact remains that it has been missing ever since you were here for dinner.
Love,
Anthony"
Several days later, Anthony receives an email response from his Momma.
"Figlio mio, I'm not saying that you 'do' sleep with Maria, and I'm not saying that you 'do not' sleep with her. But the fact remains that if she was sleeping in her own bed, she would have found the sugar bowl by now."
Registered User
Joined: Dec 2005
Posts: 3,193
Likes: 0
From: Miami/305
Looking to buy a frog?
A man walks into a bar and asks the bartender, "If I show you a really good trick, will you give me a free drink?" The bartender considers it, then agrees. The man reaches into his pocket and pulls out a tiny rat. He reaches into his other pocket and pulls out a tiny piano. The rat stretches, cracks his knuckles, and proceeds to play the blues.
After the man finished his drink, he asked the bartender, "If I show you an even better trick, will you give me free drinks for the rest of the evening?" The bartender agrees, thinking that no trick could possibly be better than the first. The man reaches into his pocket and pulls out a tiny rat. He reaches into his other pocket and pulls out a tiny piano. The rat stretches, cracks his knuckles, and proceeds to play the blues. The man reaches into another pocket and pulls out a small bullfrog, who begins to sing along with the rat's music.
While the man is enjoying his beverages, a stranger confronts him and offers him $100,000.00 for the bullfrog. "Sorry," the man replies, "he's not for sale." The stranger increases the offer to $250,000.00 cash up front. "No," he insists, "he's not for sale." The stranger again increases the offer, this time to $500,000.00 cash. The man finally agrees, and turns the frog over to the stranger in exchange for the money.
"Are you insane?" the bartender demanded. "That frog could have been worth millions to you, and you let him go for a mere $500,000!" "Don't worry about it." the man answered. "The frog was really nothing special. You see, the rat's a ventriloquist."
A man walks into a bar and asks the bartender, "If I show you a really good trick, will you give me a free drink?" The bartender considers it, then agrees. The man reaches into his pocket and pulls out a tiny rat. He reaches into his other pocket and pulls out a tiny piano. The rat stretches, cracks his knuckles, and proceeds to play the blues.
After the man finished his drink, he asked the bartender, "If I show you an even better trick, will you give me free drinks for the rest of the evening?" The bartender agrees, thinking that no trick could possibly be better than the first. The man reaches into his pocket and pulls out a tiny rat. He reaches into his other pocket and pulls out a tiny piano. The rat stretches, cracks his knuckles, and proceeds to play the blues. The man reaches into another pocket and pulls out a small bullfrog, who begins to sing along with the rat's music.
While the man is enjoying his beverages, a stranger confronts him and offers him $100,000.00 for the bullfrog. "Sorry," the man replies, "he's not for sale." The stranger increases the offer to $250,000.00 cash up front. "No," he insists, "he's not for sale." The stranger again increases the offer, this time to $500,000.00 cash. The man finally agrees, and turns the frog over to the stranger in exchange for the money.
"Are you insane?" the bartender demanded. "That frog could have been worth millions to you, and you let him go for a mere $500,000!" "Don't worry about it." the man answered. "The frog was really nothing special. You see, the rat's a ventriloquist."
Registered User
Joined: Apr 2007
Posts: 50
Likes: 0
From: South Florida
Four guys playing golf one Sunday begin talking about their kids.
The first mentions that his kid, Emilio, is an outstanding artist and just opened his own studio. Got a new girlfriend and bought her a huge diamond necklace.
The second golfer states that his kid, Patrick, is a very successful real estate agent, just closing his biggest deal ever. He celebrated by getting his wife a new BMW.
The third golfer was especially proud of his son, Chad, the CEO of a successful clothing store. Recently bought his girlfriend a new fishing boat.
The fourth golfer tried to shy away from the conversation but the other three golfers were insistent of him speaking about his son. He replied, "I'm not soo proud of my son. He never really amounted to anything but a flaming homo. He's pretty good at juggling his boyfriends though. Last few bought him some diamonds, car and a boat. "
The first mentions that his kid, Emilio, is an outstanding artist and just opened his own studio. Got a new girlfriend and bought her a huge diamond necklace.
The second golfer states that his kid, Patrick, is a very successful real estate agent, just closing his biggest deal ever. He celebrated by getting his wife a new BMW.
The third golfer was especially proud of his son, Chad, the CEO of a successful clothing store. Recently bought his girlfriend a new fishing boat.
The fourth golfer tried to shy away from the conversation but the other three golfers were insistent of him speaking about his son. He replied, "I'm not soo proud of my son. He never really amounted to anything but a flaming homo. He's pretty good at juggling his boyfriends though. Last few bought him some diamonds, car and a boat. "
Registered User
Joined: Dec 2005
Posts: 3,193
Likes: 0
From: Miami/305
Remaining as enemies
Two Arabs boarded a shuttle out of Washington for New York. One sat in the window seat, the other in the middle seat. Just before takeoff a fat, little Israeli guy got on and took the aisle seat next to the Arabs. He kicked off his shoes, wiggled his toes and was settling in when the Arab in the window seat said, "I think I'll go up and get a coke."
"No problem," said the Israeli. "I'll get it for you." While he was gone, the Arab picked up the Israeli's shoe and spit in it. When the Israeli returned with the coke, the other Arab said, "That looks good. I think I'll have one too."
Again, the Israeli obligingly went to fetch it, and while he is gone the Arab other picked up the other shoe and spit in it. The Israeli returned with the coke, and they all sat back and enjoyed the short flight to New York.
As the plane was landing the Israeli slipped his feet into his shoes and knew immediately what had happened.
"How long must this go on?" he asked. "This enmity between our peoples..... this hatred... this animosity... this spitting in shoes and peeing in cokes?"
Two Arabs boarded a shuttle out of Washington for New York. One sat in the window seat, the other in the middle seat. Just before takeoff a fat, little Israeli guy got on and took the aisle seat next to the Arabs. He kicked off his shoes, wiggled his toes and was settling in when the Arab in the window seat said, "I think I'll go up and get a coke."
"No problem," said the Israeli. "I'll get it for you." While he was gone, the Arab picked up the Israeli's shoe and spit in it. When the Israeli returned with the coke, the other Arab said, "That looks good. I think I'll have one too."
Again, the Israeli obligingly went to fetch it, and while he is gone the Arab other picked up the other shoe and spit in it. The Israeli returned with the coke, and they all sat back and enjoyed the short flight to New York.
As the plane was landing the Israeli slipped his feet into his shoes and knew immediately what had happened.
"How long must this go on?" he asked. "This enmity between our peoples..... this hatred... this animosity... this spitting in shoes and peeing in cokes?"