(Blonde on the sun) A Russian, an American, and a Blonde were talking one day. The Russian said, "We were the first in space!" The American said, "We were the first on the moon!" The Blonde said, "So what? We are going to be the first on the sun!" The Russian and the American looked at each other and shook their heads. "You can't land on the sun, you idiot! You will burn up!" said the Russian. To which the Blonde replied, "We are not stupid, you know. We are going at night!"

 

(Pepito) Pepito is in the 4th grade. It's "Good Health and Healthy Eating" week at school. Everyday of the week in class they are discussing healthy eating habits and eating healthy foods. The teacher asked them to come to school on Friday dressed as their favorite food. Sure enough on Friday all the kids come dressed in their costumes. Teacher: "Oh Ya'll look so cute and so nice. You first little Judy: Little Judy is dressed in a red, round outfit with a green hat on. Little Judy: "I'm an apple. I'm high in vitamin A, I'm high in carbohydrates and I'm just good for the whole body". Teacher: "How about you little Jimmy?" Little Jimmy stands up and he's dressed up in a long yellow outfit. Little Jimmy: "I'm a banana. I'm high in vitamin E, I'm high in potassium and I'm just good for the whole body. Teacher: "Wow that is very impressive little Jimmy, great." "OK, who's next?" All of a sudden the door bursts open. It's Pepito. He is butt naked wearing a pair of cowboy boots and cowboy hat. (The teacher is infuriated!!) Teacher: "Pepito"!! What do you think you are doing? What are you supposed to be dressed as??" Pepito: "Huevos rancheros!!"

 

A man walks into the street and manages to get a taxi just going by. He gets into the taxi, and the cabbie says, "Perfect timing. You are just like Frank!" Passenger: "Who?" Cabbie: "Frank Feldman. He is the guy who did everything right all the time." Like my coming along when you needed a cab, things happened like that to Frank Feldman every single time." Passenger: "There are always a few clouds over everybody." Cabbie: "Not Frank Feldman. He was a terrific athlete. He could have won the Grand-Slam at tennis. He could golf with the pros. He sang like an opera baritone and danced like a Broadway star and you should have heard him play the piano. He was an amazing guy." Passenger: "Sounds like he was something really special." Cabbie: "There is more. He had a memory like a computer. He could remember everybody's birthday. He knew all about wine, which foods to order and which fork to eat them with. He could fix anything. Not like me. I change a fuse, and the whole street blacks out. But Frank Feldman, he could do everything right." Passenger: "Wow, some guy then." Cabbie: "He always knew the quickest way to go in traffic and avoid traffic jams, not like me, I always seem to get stuck in them. But Frank, he never made a mistake." Passenger: "Mmm, there's not many like him around." Cabbie: "And he really knew how to treat a woman and make her feel good and never answer back even if she was in the wrong; and his clothing was always immaculate, shoes highly polished too - he was the perfect man! He never made a mistake. No one could ever measure up to Frank Feldman." Passenger: "An amazing fellow. How did you meet him?" Cabbie: "Well, I never actually met Frank." Passenger: "Then how do you know so much about him?" Cabbie: "I married his ****ing widow."

 

(Bargain airlines) The cabin door opens. Two men dressed in pilot's uniforms walk up the aisle. Both are wearing dark glasses, one is using a seeing eye dog, and the other is tapping his way along the aisle with a cane. Nervous laughter spreads through the cabin, but the men enter the cockpit, the door closes, and the engines start up. The passengers begin glancing nervously around, searching for some sign that this is just a practical joke. None is forthcoming. The plane moves faster and faster down the runway, and the people sitting in the window seats realize they are headed straight for the water at the edge of the airport. As it begins to look as though the plane will plow into the water, panicked screams fill the cabin. At that moment, the plane lifts smoothly into the air. The passengers relax and laugh a little sheepishly, and soon all retreat into their magazines, secure in the knowledge that the plane is in good hands. In the cockpit, one of the blind pilots turns to the other and says, "You know, Bob, one of these days, they are going to scream too late, and we are all going to die".

 

Dear Lord

Our lager,

Which art in barrels,

Hollowed be thy drink.

I will be drunk,

At home as in the travern.

Give us this day our foamy head,

And forgive us our spillages,

As we forgive those who spill against us.

And lead us not into incarceration,

But deliver us from hangerovers.

For thine is the beer.

The bitter and The lager,

Forever and ever,

Barmen.

 

80 year old George went for his annual physical. All of his tests came back with normal results. Dr. Smith said, "George, everything looks great physically. How are you doing mentally and emotionally? Are you at peace with yourself, and do you have a good relationship with God?" George replied, "God and me are tight. He knows I have poor eyesight, so he's fixed it so that when I get up in the middle of the night to go to the bathroom, poof the light goes on, when I'm done, poof the light goes off. "Wow!" commented Dr. Smith, "That's incredible!" A little later in the day, Dr. Smith called George's wife. "Ethel, " he said, "George is doing fine. Physically he's great. But I had to call because I'm in awe of his relationship with God. Is it true that he gets up during the night and poof the light goes on in the bathroom, and when he is done, poof the light goes off?" Ethel exclaimed, "Oh my God! He's peeing in the refrigerator again!"

 

Come on RENDERMAN, it's your turn now!

 

Entering into Heaven

A man arrives at the gates of heaven. St. Peter asks, "Religion?"

The man says, "Methodist."

St. Peter looks down his list, and says, "Go to room 24, but be very quiet as you pass room 8."

Another man arrives at the gates of heaven. "Religion?"

"Baptist."

"Go to room 18, but be very quiet as you pass room 8.

A third man arrives at the gates. "Religion?"

"Jewish."

"Go to room 11, but be very quiet as you pass room 8."

The man says, "I can understand there being different rooms for different religions, but why must I be quiet when I pass room 8?"

St. Peter tells him, "Well the Jehovah's Witnesses are in room 8, and they think they're the only ones here.

 

(Entering into hell) A man dies and goes to hell, he finds there is a different hell for each country. First he goes to the German hell and asks: "What happens here?" first they put you in an electric chair for one hour, then they lay you on a bed of nails for another hour, and the rest of the time the German devil comes and whips you. He didn't like that so he went to see what was going on in the other hells. He found out that the American hell, the Russian hell, and all the others from the rest of the nationalities did the same as the German hell. Then he sees the Cuban hell, there is a long line to get in, he asks the last person in line: "What happens here?" - Here they do the same thing as the other hells, the electric chair, the bed of nails and the whipping. "But why are there so many people trying to get into the Cuban hell?" Because here the electricity goes out all the time, the electric chair has no spare parts, and it doesn't work most of the time, all the nails were stolen from the bed and the Cuban devil, whenever he comes, he just signs and leaves.

 

A husband was in big trouble when he forgot his wedding anniversary.

His wife told him,