Miss Beatrice, the church organist, was in her eighties and had never been married. She was admired for her sweetness and kindness to all. One afternoon the pastor came to call on her and she showed him into her quaint sitting room. She invited him to have a seat while she prepared tea> As he sat facing her old Hammond organ, the young minister noticed a cut glass bowl sitting on top of it. The bowl was filled with water, and in the water floated, of all things, a condom! When she returned with tea and scones, they began to chat. The pastor tried to stifle his curiosity about the bowl of water and its strange floater, but soon it got the better of him and he could no longer resist. "Miss Beatrice", he said, "I wonder if you would tell me about this?" pointing to the bowl. "Oh, yes," she replied, "Isn't it wonderful? I was walking through the Park a few months ago and found this little package on the ground. The directions said to place it on the organ, keep it wet and it would prevent the spread of disease. Do you know I haven't had the flu all winter."

 

Di this is your type of store!!

The Husband Store

A store that sells husbands has just opened in New York City, where a woman may go to choose a husband.

Among the instructions at the entrance is a description of how the store operates. You may visit the store ONLY ONCE!
There are six floors and the attributes of the men increase as the shopper ascends the flights.

There is, however, a catch. ... You may choose any man from a particular floor, or you may choose to go up a floor, but you cannot go back down except to exit the building!

So, a woman goes to the Husband Store to find a husband. .
On the first floor the sign on the door reads:
Floor 1 - These men have jobs and love the Lord.

The second floor sign reads:
Floor 2 - These men have jobs, love the Lord, and love kids.

The third floor sign reads:
Floor 3 - These men have jobs, love the Lord, love kids, and are extremely good looking.
" Wow," she thinks, but feels compelled to keep going.

She goes to the fourth floor and sign reads:
Floor 4 - These men have jobs, love the Lord, love kids, are drop- dead good looking and help with the housework.
"Oh, mercy me!" she exclaims, "I can hardly stand it!"

Still, she goes to the fifth floor and sign reads:
Floor 5 - These men have jobs, love the Lord, love kids, are drop- dead gorgeous, help with the housework, and have a strong romantic streak.

She is so tempted to stay, but she goes to the sixth floor and the sign reads:

Floor 6 - You are visitor 4,363,012 to this floor. There are no men on this floor. This floor exists solely as proof that women are impossible to please.

Thank you for shopping at the Husband Store. Watch your step as you exit the building, and have a nice day!


PS. Sorry MiamiS2K just trying to make it look like more people are contributing
besides you and me

 

Oye, pick a screen name already!!

 

Oye chico como joden esta jente!!

 

Is wil687 RENDERMAN in disguise? the P.S. is throwing me off!

 

(Cuban expressions) El culo del mundo:" Ass of the world." Generally a place far enough from Miami or West New York where not too many people speak spanish.
Que vola contigo: "What flight with you" A general greeting heard among friends at La Carreta on S.W. 8th. street or the Union City Cafeteria.
Casa del carajo. "House of hell" Another fine measurement of distance, however a bit closer than the ass of the world.
No doy pies con bola. "I don't give feet with balls" A creative way of expressing ones unwillingness to interact with another.
Manda huevos. "Send eggs" An expression of disbelief.
Que vuelta. "What turns" Even the most diehard cuban americans have difficulty understanding this one, but it means "wassup"
Por si las moscas. "For if the flies" A vague notice of caution.
Me tienes hasta el ultimo pelo. "You have me up to my last hair" Usually used as a parental warning meaning the end of your crap is near.
Ese no tiene dos dedos de frente. "He doesn't have two fingers of forehead" A descriptive observation of an individual who doesn't have much common sense.
Mariconerias mias. "Faggery of mine" Usually describes an out of character event.
Eastas comiendo mierda. "You are eating shit" Describes the manner in which one is acting irrationally or irresponsibly.
Sigue comiendo de lo que pica el pollo. "Keep eating what the chicken pecks" Same as eating shit but a classier version.
No hables mierda. "Don't talk shit" A statement made to address someone's tall story.
Se comio el mojon. "He atye the turd" You ****ed up.
Le ronca el mango. "It snores the mango" When somenthing is too much to handle.
Le ronca el merequeten. "Unable to translate" Same meaning as le ronca el mango.
Tremendo arroz con mango. "Tremendous rice with mango" When something is a huge mess or scandalous.
Ese huevo quiere sal. "That egg wants salt" Someone has an ulterior motive.
Tremenda muela. "Tremendous molar" Another tall story but this time to seduce someone of the opposite sex.
Dale. "Go" You are in agreement, means "OK"
Cojelo suave. "Take it soft" Usually a way of saying goodbye.
Asere. "Homie" Even cubanazos don't know where this word came from.
Consorte. "Another word for homie, may be used instead of asere.
Postalita. "A little postcard" A guy that thinks he's a stud.

 

A man goes hunting in Africa and takes his little dog with him. One day, the dog strays away from the group, he gets lost and wanders alone in the jungle. Then he sees at a distance a huge Panther running towards him. He realizes the Panther is going to eat him, he thinks fast what he should do, he sees a pile of bones from a dead animal and starts chewing on them. When the Panther is almost on top of him, the dog says: "Wow, what a tasty Panther this was".The Panther heard him and stopped on his tracks, turned around and left thinking "I wonder what animal is this, he might eat me too" A monkey that was on a tree nearby saw the whole thing and went after the Panther to tell him how the dog had fooled him. "You stupid Panther, those bones were already there, besides he is only a little dog. The Panther was very mad and takes off running with the monkey on his back. The dog sees them coming and realizes that the monkey had told on him. "Now what do I do?" says the dog.Then instead of running, he turns his back pretending not to see them, when the panther was ready to attack again, the dog says " I wonder where this damned monkey is, I sent him to get me another Panther a half an hour ago and still hasn't come back.

 

You might be a redneck if ...

There are more fish on your wall than pictures.

Motel 6 turns off the lights when they see you coming.

There are more dishes in your sink than in your cabinets.

 

Perks of being over 50.
1. Kidnappers are not very interested in you.
2. In a hostage situation, you are likely to be released first.
3. No one expects you to run anywhere.
4. People call at 9 pm and ask, did I wake you?
5. People no longer view you as a hypochondriac.
6. There is nothing left to learn the hard way.
7. Things you buy now won't wear out.
8. You can eat supper at 4 pm.
9. You can live without sex but not without your glasses.
10. You get into heated arguments about your pension plan.
11. You no longer think of speed limits as a challenge.
12. You quit trying to hold your stomach in no matter who walks into the room.
13. You sing along with elevator music.
14. Your eyes won't get much worse.
15. Your investmrnt in health insurance is finally beginning to pay off.
16. Your joints are more accurate meterologists than the national weather service.
17. Your secrets are safe with your friends because they can't remember them either.
18. Your supply of brain cells is finally down to manageable size.
19. You can't remember who sent you this list.