MAN: I'd like to buy some dog food.
CHECKOUT LADY: Do you have a dog?
MAN: Yes.
CHECKOUT LADY: Where is he?
MAN: He's at home.
CHECKOUT LADY: I'm sorry, I can't sell this dog food to you unless I see the dog. Store policy.
The next day, the man returns.
MAN: I'd like to buy some cat food.
CHECKOUT LADY: Do you have a cat?
MAN: Yes.
CHECKOUT LADY: Well... where is he?
MAN: He's at home!
CHECKOUT LADY: Sorry, I can't sell this cat food to you unless I see your cat.

The next day the man returns.
CHECKOUT LADY: What's in the sack?
MAN: Put your hand inside.
CHECKOUT LADY: Hmmm... It's warm and moist! What is it?
MAN: I would like to buy some toilet paper.

 

An elderly couple was attending Church services. About halfway through the mass, she leans over and whispers to her husband, "I just let out a silent fart, what do you think I should do?"

He replies, "Put a new battery in your hearing aid."

 

A 90-year-old man said to his doctor, "I've never felt better. I have an 18-year old bride who is pregnant with my child. What do you think about that?"

The doctor considered his question for a minute and then said, "I have an elderly friend who is a hunter and never misses a season. One day when he was going out in a bit of a hurry, he accidentally picked up his umbrella instead of his gun. When he got to the Creek, he saw a rabbit sitting beside the stream. He raised his umbrella and went, 'bang, bang' and the rabbit fell dead. What do you think of that?"

The 90-year-old said, "I'd say somebody else killed that rabbit."

The doctor replied, "My point exactly."

 

A Cuban and an American are seated next to each other on a flight from New York to Miami. The American asks the Cuban if he would like to play a fun game. The Cuban, tired just wants to take a nap so he politely declines and rolls over to the window to catch a few winks. The American persists and explains that the game is easy and a lot of fun. He says, "I ask you a question, and if you don't know the answer, you pay me $5, and vice versa." Again the Cuban declines and tries to get some sleep. The American now worked up, says "Okay, if you don't know the answer, you pay me $5, and if I don't know the answer, I'll pay you $500." This gets the Cuban"s attention and, figuring there will be no end to this torment, agrees to play. The American asks the first question, "What's the distance from the earth to the moon?". The Cuban doesn't say a word, reaches into his wallet, pulls out a $5 bill, and hands it to the American. "Okay", says the American, "your turn." So the Cuban asks, "What goes up a hill with three legs and comes down with four?". The American thinks about it. No answer. Puzzled, he takes out his lap top computer and searches all his references: No answer! He taps into the air-phone with his modem and searches the Internet and the Library of Congress. No answer. Frustrated, he sends e-mails to all his friends and coworkers. Checks the input. All to no avail!. Finally, a long time later, he wakes up the Cuban and hands him $500. The Cuban thanks him and turns back to go to sleep. The American, more tha a little miffed, stirs the Cuban and asks, "Well, what's the answer?". Without a word the Cuban reaches into his wallet, hands the American $5, and goes back to sleep!

 

Alex, Rene, Warren, and Dario all die at the same time and are instantly transported to heaven.

When they get to the pearly gates St. Peter says, "Now that you are in heaven you must walk around completely naked as God made you but you must wear a bell attached to your penis."

They all looked at each other and shrugged then stepped through the gates. As they entered all of there clothes disappeared and a rope with a bell on the end appeared attached to their penis.

As they walked they noticed one of the hottest women that ever lived. Suddenly you hear Alex, Warren, and Rene's bell go DINNNGG!!!

Moments later they saw the most beautiful women that ever lived and instantly you hear Alex, Warren and Rene's bell go DINNNNNGGGGG!!! and Alex's shot off.

As he ran over to pick up his bell he bent over and Dario's bell went.... DINNNNNGGGGG!

 

FINALLY THE BLONDE JOKE TO END ALL BLONDE JOKES



A blonde woman was speeding down the road in her little red sports car and was pulled over by a woman police officer who was also a blonde. The blonde cop asked to see the blonde driver's license. She dug through her purse and was getting progressively more agitated. "What does it look like?" the driver finally asked. The policewoman replied, "It's square and it has your picture on it." The driver finally found a square mirror in her purse, looked at it and handed it to the policewoman. "Here it is," she said. The blonde officer looked at the mirror, then handed it back saying, "Okay, you can go. I didn't realize you were a cop."

 

"Car trouble" A blonde pushes her Toyota into a gas station. She tells the mechanic it died. After he works on it for a few minutes, it is idling smoothly. She says, "What's the story? He replies, "Just crap in the carburetor" She asks, "How often do I have to do that?"

 

Peter came to the Lord and said, "I have to talk to you." We have some Cubans up here who are causing problems. My flute is missing, mojo sauce is all over the place, they are making guayaberas from their robes, they have domino tables in the cafeteria, and they are wearing baseball caps instead of halos." "They refuse to stop making Cuban coffee on the heaven's stairs and some of them are walking around with just one wing." The Lord said, "Cubans are Cubans, Peter. Heaven is home to all my children. If you want to know about real problems, ask the Devil." Peter calls-the Devil answers the phone "Hello? Damn, hold on a minute." The Devil returns to the phone, "OK, I'm back. What can I do for you? Peter replies "I just want to know what kind of problems you are having down there." The Devil again says "Hold on, Hold on....." The Devil comes back to the phone...."Man, I don't believe this....Hold on." This time the Devil is gone 15 minutes! The Devil returns and says.... "I'm sorry Peter, I can't talk right now. Those damn Cubans have put out the fire and are trying to install air conditioning."

 

During a Papal audience, a business man approached the Pope and made this offer: Change the last line of the Lord's prayer from "give us this day our daily bread" to "give us this day our daily chicken." and KFC will donate 10 million dollars to Catholic charities. The Pope declined. 2 weeks later the man approached the Pope again. This time with a 50 million dollar offer. Again the Pope delcined. A month later the man offers 100 million, this time the Pope accepts. At a meeting of the Cardinals, The Pope announces his decision in the good news/bad news format. The good news is... that we have 100 million dollars for charities. The bad news is that we lost the Wonder Bread account!

fltsfshr

 

An Italian man wants a job, but the foreman won't hire him until he passes a little math test. "Here's your first question," the foreman said.
"Without using numbers, represent the number 9."

"Without numbers?" the Italian says, "Dat is easy." And he proceeds to draw three trees.

"What's this?" the boss asks.

"Ave you got no brain? Tree and tree and tree make nine," says the Italian.

"Fair enough," says the boss. "Here's your second question. Use the same rules, but this time the number is 99."

The Italian stares into space for a while, then picks up the picture that he has just drawn and makes a smudge on each tree.

"Ere you go."

The boss scratches his head and says, "How on earth do you get that to represent 99?"

"Each of da trees is dirty now. So, it's dirty tree, and dirty tree, and dirty tree. Dat is 99."

The boss is getting worried that he's going to actually have to hire this Italian, so he says, "All right, last question.
Same rules again, but represent the number 100."

The Italian stares into space some more, then he picks up the picture again and makes a little mark at the base of each tree and says, "Ere you go. One hundred."

The boss looks at the attempt. "You must be nuts if you think that represents a hundred!"

The Italian leans forward and points to the marks at the base of each tree and says, "A little dog came along and crap by each tree. So now you got dirty tree and a turd, dirty tree and a turd, and dirty tree and a turd, dat make one hundred. So, when I start?"