HOW I GREW UP

I grew up in a household:
Where cafe', milk and sugar were part of a balanced breakfast.
Where my ADD and ADHD was treated with encuanto te coja te voy a partir la cabeza hijo de puta instead of Ritalin.
Where all it took was ONE look.
Where we loved white rice and fried eggs.
Where lentil soup was considered comida de preso.
Where Spanish was my primary language. My only language.
Where I had to go yo my school's open house to translate for my parents.
Where my sister and I shared a room until I was seventeen.
Where music or TV was never played on Good Friday.
Where we ate bacalao on Good Friday because all other fish was too expensive.
Where we ate lechon in Thanksgiving.
Where we ate lechon in Nochebuena.
Where we ate lechon in bithday parties.
Come to think of it, we ate lechon at every social function.
Where malanga and manzanilla were the remedio to end all remedies.
Where I could have cafe' con leche for breakfast but I was too young to have a buchito de cafe'.
Where we watched la novela while we were having dinner.
Where I was not allowed to sleepover at anybody's house but they could ALL come over to our house.
Where we didn't need cable because we only watched El Canal 23.
Where the carpool was el ride, el carrito was the lunch truck and la lonchera was the lunch box.
Where la carne was from la carniceria and the groceries were from la bodega.
Where meat and potatoes was literally carne con papas.
Where oxtail stew had the colorful name of rabo encendido or a fiery tail.
Where people were either blanco, negro indio o chino.
Where we drank Bustelo because El Pico was for Puerto Ricans.
Where we ate frijoles negros y colorados, many times burned to a crisp by exploding in la olla de presion.
Where the oven was used exclusively to store las cazuelas and the cooking oil.
Where los perros was the dog track, las maquinitas were slot machines and el juego was anything related to gambling.
I grew up in a household run by Cubans.

 

 

What's on your back?

Three men are traveling in the Amazon, a German, an American, and a Mexican, and they get captured by some Amazons. The head of the tribe says to the German, "What do you want on your back for your whipping?"

The German responds, "I will take oil!" So they put oil on his back, and a large Amazon whips him ten times. When he is finished the German has these huge welts on his back, and he can hardly move.

The Amazons haul the German away, and say to the Mexican, "What do you want on your back?"

"I will take nothing!" says the Mexican, and he stands there straight and takes his ten lashings without a single flinch.

"What will you take on your back?" the Amazons ask the American.

He responds, "I'll take the Mexican."

 

 

HOW TO CURE HEADACHES

A man has been suffering from severe headaches for years with no relief. After trying all the usual cures he's referred to a headache specialist by his family doctor. The doctor asks him what his symptoms are and he replies. "I get these blinding headaches; kind of like a knife across my scalp and..."He is interrupted by the doctor, "And a heavy throbbing right behind the left ear" "Yes! Exactly! How did you know?" "Well I am the world's greatest headache specialist, you know. But I myself suffered from that same type of headache for many years. It is caused by a tension in the scalp muscles. This is how I cured it: Every day I would give my wife oral sex. When she came she would squeeze her legs together with all her strength and the pressure would relieve the tension in my head. Try that every day for two weeks and come back and let me know how it goes" Two weeks go by and the man is back, "Well, how do you feel?" "Doc, I am a new man! I feel great! I haven't had a headache since I started this treatment! I can't thank you enough. And, by the way, you have a lovely home"

 

The children were lined up in the cafeteria of a Catholic elementary school for lunch. At the head of the table was a large pile of apples. The nun made a note, and posted on the apple tray:

"Take only ONE. God is watching."

Moving further along the lunch line, at the other end of the table was a large pile of chocolate chip cookies.

A child had written a note, "Take all you want. God is watching the apples.

 

DON'T MAKE A NURSE ANGRY

A big shot business man had to spend a couple of days in the hospital. He was a royal pain to the nurses because he bossed them around just like he did his employees. None of the hospital staff wanted to have anything to do with him. The head nurse was the only one who could stand up to him. She came into his room and announced. "I have to take your temperature." After complaining for several minutes, he finally settled down, crossed his arms and opened his mouth. "No, I'm sorry", the nurse stated, "But for this reading, I cannot use an oral thermometer." This started another round of complaining, but eventually he rolled over and bared his rear end. After feeling the nurse insert the thermometer, he heard her announce, "I have to get something. Now you stay JUST LIKE THAT until I get back!" She leaves the door open to his room on her way out. He curses under his breath as he hears people walking past his door laughing. Almost an hour, the man's doctor comes into the room. "What's going on here?" asked the doctor. Angrily the man answers, "What's the matter, Doc? Haven't you ever seen someone having their temperature taken?" After a pause, the doctor confesses, "Wel, no. I guess I haven't. Not with a carnation anyway!"

 

The teacher gave her fifth grade class an assignment: Get their parents to tell them a story with moral at the end of it. The next day the kids came back and one by one began to tell their stories. "Johnny, do you have a story to share>", the teacher asked. "Yes ma'am," Johnny replied. "My daddy told me a story about my Aunt Nancy. She was a pilot in Desert Storm and her plane got hit. "She had to bail out over enemy territory and all she had was a small flask of whiskey, a pistol, and a survival knife."She drank the whiskey on the way down so it wouldn't break, and then her parachute landed right in the middle of 20 enemy troops. She shot 15 of them with the gun until she ran out of bullets, killed 4 more with the knife untill the blade broke, and then she killed the last Iraqui with her bare hands." "Good heavens," cried the horrified teacher. "What kind of moral did your daddy give you from this horrible story?" "Stay the hell away from Aunt Nancy when she's drinking."

 

THE ANNUAL CHECK-UP

After his annual checkup, Bob is shocked to learn that he has somehow contacted a rare disease and has only twelve hours to live. Arriving home in utter despair, he tells his wife the terrible news and begins to cry. Overcome with grief, Helen hugs him tight and says, "Honey, I'm going to give you a night you will never forget!" They go to bed early and make passionate love with an ardor they haven't felt in years. When they're done, Bob turns to his wife and says, "Honey, that was wonderful, the best we've ever had. Can we do it again?" This time it's even more passionate, Later as Helen is about to doze off, Bob gives her a nudge and says, "Honey, come on. How about one more time?" "That's easy for you to say. You don't have to get up in the morning!"

 

Jump out of the plane

An Englishman, Frenchman, Mexican, and Texan were flying across country on a small plane when the pilot comes on the loud speaker and says " We're having mechanical problems and the only way we can make it to the next airport is for 3 of you to open the door and jump, at least one of you can survive"

The four open the door and look out below. The Englishman takes a deep breath and hollers "God Save The Queen" and jumps.

The Frenchman gets really inspired and hollers "Viva La France" and he also jumps.

This really pumps up the Texan so he hollers "Remember the Alamo" and he grabs the Mexican and throws him out of the plane.