Picture on the Nightstand

After a long night of making love, He notices a photo of another man on her night stand by the bed.
He begins to worry.

"Is this your husband?" he nervously asks.

"No, silly," she replies, snuggling up to him.

"Your boyfriend, then?" he continues.

"No, not at all," she says, nibbling away at his ear.

"Is it your dad or your brother?" he inquires, hoping to be reassured.

"No, no, no!!!" she answers.

"Well, who in the hell is he, then?" he demands.

"That's me before the surgery."

 

Ethel was a bit of a demon in her wheelchair, and loved to charge
around
the
>nursing home, taking corners on one wheel and getting up to maximum
speed
on
>the long corridors.
>
>Because the poor woman was one sandwich short of a picnic the other
>residents tolerated her and some of them actually joined in.
>
>One day Ethel was speeding up one corridor when a door opened and Kooky
>Clarence stepped out with his arm outstretched. "STOP!," he shouted in
a
>firm voice. "Have you got a license for that thing?" Ethel fished
around
in
>her handbag and pulled out a Kit Kat wrapper and held it up to him.
"OK"
he
>said, and away Ethel sped down the hall.
>
>As she took the corner near the TV lounge on one wheel, weird Harold
popped
>out in front of her and shouted "STOP! Have you got proof of
insurance?"
>Ethel dug into her handbag, pulled out a drink coaster and held it up
to
>him. Harold nodded and said "On your way, Ma'am." As Ethel neared the
>
>final corridor, Crazy Craig stepped out in front of her, Butt- Naked,
and
>holding his "You-Know- What" in his hand.
>
>"Oh, good grief," yelled Ethel, "Not that Damn Breathalyzer Test
again.!!!"

 

THIS IS THE ONLY EXISTING PHOTO OF CUBAN SEAHORSE...

 

I THINK YOU'RE THE FATHER OF ONE OF MY KIDS:

A guy goes to the supermarket and notices a beautiful
blond woman wave at him and say hello. He's rather
taken aback, because he can't place where he knows
her from. So he says, "Do you Know me?"

To which she replies, "I think you're the father of
one of my kids."

Now his mind travels back to the only time he has
ever been unfaithful to his wife and says, "My God,
are you the stripper from my bachelor party that I laid on
the pool table with all my buddies watching, while
your partner whipped my butt with wet celery???"

She looks into his eyes and calmly says, "No, I'm
your son's math teacher

 

So I'm in my room, by myself, minding my own business, twisting one off..... and would you believe it, my dad comes barging in. He takes one look and says "Son, you know you can go blind from doing that" For which I replied "Pop, I'm over here"!

Always gets a laugh in a crowd!

 

One day a woman walks into the ice cream store and goes up to the counter where she asks the clerk for some chocolate ice cream.

He replies, "I'm sorry ma'am, but we're out of chocolate."

She looks at him and says, "That's okay. I'll just take some chocolate ice cream."

Thinking that she might not have heard him the first time, he repeats, "I'm sorry ma'am, but we're out of chocolate."

She smiles at the clerk and says, "That's quite alright. I'll just take some chocolate ice cream."

Now the clerk is getting frustrated, so he leans over the counter and says to the woman, "Spell STRAW as in STRAWBERRY."

The woman replies, "S-T-R-A-W."

Then he says, "Spell VAN as in VANILLA."

The woman replies, "V-A-N."

Then he says, "Spell F.U.C.K as in CHOCOLATE."

At this point, the woman looks confused and replies, "But there is no F.U.C.K in CHOCOLATE."

The clerk raises his hands and screams, "THAT'S WHAT I'VE BEEN TRYING TO TELL YOU!"

 

We all know that Chuck Norris is invinsible!

When the Boogeyman goes to sleep every night, he checks his closet for Chuck Norris.

Chuck Norris doesn't read books. He stares them down until he gets the information he wants.

There is no theory of evolution. Just a list of creatures Chuck Norris has allowed to live.

Outer space exists because it's afraid to be on the same planet with Chuck Norris.

Chuck Norris does not sleep. He waits.

Chuck Norris is currently suing NBC, claiming Law and Order are trademarked names for his left and right legs.

Chuck Norris is the reason why Waldo is hiding.

Chuck Norris counted to infinity - twice.

There is no chin behind Chuck Norris

 

always love chuck norris jokes!

 

You might be a redneck if you have ever vacationed in a highway rest area.

 

Why are Asteroids called Asteroids and hemorrhoids hemorrhoids shouldn