JOKE OF THE DAY
Registered User
Joined: May 2003
Posts: 2,256
Likes: 0
From: Miami
Florida couple, both well into their 80s, goes to a sex therapist's
office. The doctor asks, "What can I do for you?" The man says, "Will you watch
us have sexual intercourse?" The doctor raises both eyebrows, but he is so amazed that such an elderly couple is asking for sexual advice that he agrees. When
the couple finishes, the doctor says, "There's absolutely nothing wrong
with the way you have intercourse."
He thanks them for coming, wishes them good luck, charges them $50, and
says goodbye. The next week, however, the couple returns and asks the
sex therapist to watch again. The sex therapist is a bit puzzled, but
agrees. This happens several weeks in a row. The couple makes an
appointment, has intercourse with no problems and seemingly are really enjoying themselves. He then pays the doctor, and they leave. Finally, after 5 or 6 weeks of this routine, the doctor says, "I'm sorry,but I have to ask. Just what are you trying to
find out through the aid of my services?" The old man says, "We're not trying to find out
anything. She's married and we can't go to her house. I'm married and we
can't go to my house. The Holiday Inn charges $98. The Hilton charges
$139. We do it here for $50, and I get $43 back from Medicare!"
office. The doctor asks, "What can I do for you?" The man says, "Will you watch
us have sexual intercourse?" The doctor raises both eyebrows, but he is so amazed that such an elderly couple is asking for sexual advice that he agrees. When
the couple finishes, the doctor says, "There's absolutely nothing wrong
with the way you have intercourse."
He thanks them for coming, wishes them good luck, charges them $50, and
says goodbye. The next week, however, the couple returns and asks the
sex therapist to watch again. The sex therapist is a bit puzzled, but
agrees. This happens several weeks in a row. The couple makes an
appointment, has intercourse with no problems and seemingly are really enjoying themselves. He then pays the doctor, and they leave. Finally, after 5 or 6 weeks of this routine, the doctor says, "I'm sorry,but I have to ask. Just what are you trying to
find out through the aid of my services?" The old man says, "We're not trying to find out
anything. She's married and we can't go to her house. I'm married and we
can't go to my house. The Holiday Inn charges $98. The Hilton charges
$139. We do it here for $50, and I get $43 back from Medicare!"
Registered User
Joined: May 2003
Posts: 2,256
Likes: 0
From: Miami
Subject: Winter Accident
A woman and a man are involved in a car accident on a snowy, cold Monday
morning. Both of their cars are totally demolished but amazingly
neither of them are hurt.
God works in Mysterious ways.
After they crawl out of their cars, the woman says, "So you're a man.
That's interesting. I'm a woman. Wow, just look at our cars, there's
nothing left of them, but we're unhurt. This must be a sign from God
that we should meet and be friends and live together in peace for the
rest of our days."
Flattered, the man replies, "Oh yes, I agree with you completely; this
must be a sign from God!"
The woman continues, "And look at this, here's another miracle. My car
is completely demolished but this bottle of wine didn't break. Surely
God wants us to drink this wine and celebrate our good fortune."
Then she hands the bottle to the man.
The man nods his head in agreement, opens it, drinks half the bottle,
and then hands it back to the woman. The woman takes the bottle and
immediately puts the cap back on, and hands it back to the man.
The man asks, "Aren't you having any?"
The woman replies, "No. I think I'll just wait for the police...."
MORAL OF THE STORY:
Women are clever, evil bitches.
Don't mess with them.
Registered User
Joined: May 2006
Posts: 5
Likes: 0
From: Miami, FL
I was buying a large bag of dog food at and was in line to checkout when a woman behind asked if I had a dog. On impulse and thinking it was a stupid question, I told her no and that I was starting the Dog Food Diet again.
I added that I probably shouldn't because I had ended up in hospital last time, but because I'd lost 50 pounds before I awoke in an intensive care ward, with tubes coming out of most of my orifices and IVs in both arms, I was willing to try it again.
I told her that it was essentially a perfect diet and that the way that it works is to load your trouser pockets with dog food biscuits and simply eat one or two every time you feel hungry and that the food is nutritionally complete, so I was going to try it again.
I have to mention here that practically everyone in the queue was by now enthralled with my story.
Horrified, she asked if I ended up in intensive care because the dog food poisoned me. I told her no. I'd been lying in the street licking my balls and a car hit me.
I added that I probably shouldn't because I had ended up in hospital last time, but because I'd lost 50 pounds before I awoke in an intensive care ward, with tubes coming out of most of my orifices and IVs in both arms, I was willing to try it again.
I told her that it was essentially a perfect diet and that the way that it works is to load your trouser pockets with dog food biscuits and simply eat one or two every time you feel hungry and that the food is nutritionally complete, so I was going to try it again.
I have to mention here that practically everyone in the queue was by now enthralled with my story.
Horrified, she asked if I ended up in intensive care because the dog food poisoned me. I told her no. I'd been lying in the street licking my balls and a car hit me.
Registered User
Joined: Aug 2004
Posts: 79
Likes: 0
From: Miami, Florida
Originally Posted by rubyrashel,Dec 13 2006, 05:00 PM
Subject: Winter Accident
A woman and a man are involved in a car accident on a snowy, cold Monday
morning. Both of their cars are totally demolished but amazingly
neither of them are hurt.
God works in Mysterious ways.
After they crawl out of their cars, the woman says, "So you're a man.
That's interesting. I'm a woman. Wow, just look at our cars, there's
nothing left of them, but we're unhurt. This must be a sign from God
that we should meet and be friends and live together in peace for the
rest of our days."
Flattered, the man replies, "Oh yes, I agree with you completely; this
must be a sign from God!"
The woman continues, "And look at this, here's another miracle. My car
is completely demolished but this bottle of wine didn't break. Surely
God wants us to drink this wine and celebrate our good fortune."
Then she hands the bottle to the man.
The man nods his head in agreement, opens it, drinks half the bottle,
and then hands it back to the woman. The woman takes the bottle and
immediately puts the cap back on, and hands it back to the man.
The man asks, "Aren't you having any?"
The woman replies, "No. I think I'll just wait for the police...."
MORAL OF THE STORY:
Women are clever, evil bitches.
Don't mess with them.
A woman and a man are involved in a car accident on a snowy, cold Monday
morning. Both of their cars are totally demolished but amazingly
neither of them are hurt.
God works in Mysterious ways.
After they crawl out of their cars, the woman says, "So you're a man.
That's interesting. I'm a woman. Wow, just look at our cars, there's
nothing left of them, but we're unhurt. This must be a sign from God
that we should meet and be friends and live together in peace for the
rest of our days."
Flattered, the man replies, "Oh yes, I agree with you completely; this
must be a sign from God!"
The woman continues, "And look at this, here's another miracle. My car
is completely demolished but this bottle of wine didn't break. Surely
God wants us to drink this wine and celebrate our good fortune."
Then she hands the bottle to the man.
The man nods his head in agreement, opens it, drinks half the bottle,
and then hands it back to the woman. The woman takes the bottle and
immediately puts the cap back on, and hands it back to the man.
The man asks, "Aren't you having any?"
The woman replies, "No. I think I'll just wait for the police...."
MORAL OF THE STORY:
Women are clever, evil bitches.
Don't mess with them.
Registered User
Joined: Dec 2005
Posts: 3,193
Likes: 0
From: Miami/305
Letter from WalMart
Dear Mrs. Houghton
Over the past six months, your husband has been causing quite a commotion in
our store. We cannot tolerate this behavior and may ban both of you from our
stores.
We have documented all incidents on our video surveillance equipment. All
complaints against Mr. Houghton are listed below.
Things Mr. Stan Houghton has done while his spouse was shopping in
Walmart:
1. June 15: Took 24 boxes of condoms and randomly put them in people's carts
when they weren't looking.
2. July 2: Set all the alarm clocks in Housewares to go off at 5-minute
intervals.
3. July 7: Made a trail of tomato juice on the floor leading to the
restrooms.
4. July 19: Walked up to an employee and told her in an official tone, 'Code
3' in housewares.. and watched what happened.
5. Aug 4: Went to the Service Desk and asked to put a bag of M&M's on
layaway.
6. Sept 14: Moved a 'CAUTION - WET FLOOR' sign to a carpeted area.
7. Sept 15: Set up a tent in the camping department and told other shoppers
he'd invite them in if they'll bring pillows from the bedding department.
8. Sept 23: When a clerk asks if they can help him, he begins to cry and
asks, 'Why can't you people just leave me alone?'
9. Oct 4: Looked right into the security camera; used it as a mirror, and
picked his nose.
10. Nov 10: While handling guns in hunting department, asked the clerk if he
knows where to find the antidepressants.
11. Dec 3: Darted around the store suspiciously loudly humming the "Mission
Impossible" theme
12. Dec 6: In the auto department, practiced his "Madonna look" using
different size funnels.
13. Dec 18: Hid in a clothing rack and when people browse through, yelled
"PICK ME!" "PICK ME!"
14. Dec 21: When an announcement came over the loud speaker, he assumes the
fetal position and screams "NO! NO! It's those voices again!!!!"
And last, but not least ...
15. Dec 23: Went into a fitting room, shut the door waited awhile, then
yelled very loudly, "There is no toilet paper in here!"
-cps_protection
Dear Mrs. Houghton
Over the past six months, your husband has been causing quite a commotion in
our store. We cannot tolerate this behavior and may ban both of you from our
stores.
We have documented all incidents on our video surveillance equipment. All
complaints against Mr. Houghton are listed below.
Things Mr. Stan Houghton has done while his spouse was shopping in
Walmart:
1. June 15: Took 24 boxes of condoms and randomly put them in people's carts
when they weren't looking.
2. July 2: Set all the alarm clocks in Housewares to go off at 5-minute
intervals.
3. July 7: Made a trail of tomato juice on the floor leading to the
restrooms.
4. July 19: Walked up to an employee and told her in an official tone, 'Code
3' in housewares.. and watched what happened.
5. Aug 4: Went to the Service Desk and asked to put a bag of M&M's on
layaway.
6. Sept 14: Moved a 'CAUTION - WET FLOOR' sign to a carpeted area.
7. Sept 15: Set up a tent in the camping department and told other shoppers
he'd invite them in if they'll bring pillows from the bedding department.
8. Sept 23: When a clerk asks if they can help him, he begins to cry and
asks, 'Why can't you people just leave me alone?'
9. Oct 4: Looked right into the security camera; used it as a mirror, and
picked his nose.
10. Nov 10: While handling guns in hunting department, asked the clerk if he
knows where to find the antidepressants.
11. Dec 3: Darted around the store suspiciously loudly humming the "Mission
Impossible" theme
12. Dec 6: In the auto department, practiced his "Madonna look" using
different size funnels.
13. Dec 18: Hid in a clothing rack and when people browse through, yelled
"PICK ME!" "PICK ME!"
14. Dec 21: When an announcement came over the loud speaker, he assumes the
fetal position and screams "NO! NO! It's those voices again!!!!"
And last, but not least ...
15. Dec 23: Went into a fitting room, shut the door waited awhile, then
yelled very loudly, "There is no toilet paper in here!"
-cps_protection
Joined: Jun 2004
Posts: 107
Likes: 1
From: Miami, FL
Originally Posted by MYS2KI,Dec 15 2006, 01:12 PM
Letter from WalMart
Dear Mrs. Houghton
Over the past six months, your husband has been causing quite a commotion in
our store. We cannot tolerate this behavior and may ban both of you from our
stores.
We have documented all incidents on our video surveillance equipment. All
complaints against Mr. Houghton are listed below.
Things Mr. Stan Houghton has done while his spouse was shopping in
Walmart:
1. June 15: Took 24 boxes of condoms and randomly put them in people's carts
when they weren't looking.
2. July 2: Set all the alarm clocks in Housewares to go off at 5-minute
intervals.
3. July 7: Made a trail of tomato juice on the floor leading to the
restrooms.
4. July 19: Walked up to an employee and told her in an official tone, 'Code
3' in housewares.. and watched what happened.
5. Aug 4: Went to the Service Desk and asked to put a bag of M&M's on
layaway.
6. Sept 14: Moved a 'CAUTION - WET FLOOR' sign to a carpeted area.
7. Sept 15: Set up a tent in the camping department and told other shoppers
he'd invite them in if they'll bring pillows from the bedding department.
8. Sept 23: When a clerk asks if they can help him, he begins to cry and
asks, 'Why can't you people just leave me alone?'
9. Oct 4: Looked right into the security camera; used it as a mirror, and
picked his nose.
10. Nov 10: While handling guns in hunting department, asked the clerk if he
knows where to find the antidepressants.
11. Dec 3: Darted around the store suspiciously loudly humming the "Mission
Impossible" theme
12. Dec 6: In the auto department, practiced his "Madonna look" using
different size funnels.
13. Dec 18: Hid in a clothing rack and when people browse through, yelled
"PICK ME!" "PICK ME!"
14. Dec 21: When an announcement came over the loud speaker, he assumes the
fetal position and screams "NO! NO! It's those voices again!!!!"
And last, but not least ...
15. Dec 23: Went into a fitting room, shut the door waited awhile, then
yelled very loudly, "There is no toilet paper in here!"
-cps_protection
Dear Mrs. Houghton
Over the past six months, your husband has been causing quite a commotion in
our store. We cannot tolerate this behavior and may ban both of you from our
stores.
We have documented all incidents on our video surveillance equipment. All
complaints against Mr. Houghton are listed below.
Things Mr. Stan Houghton has done while his spouse was shopping in
Walmart:
1. June 15: Took 24 boxes of condoms and randomly put them in people's carts
when they weren't looking.
2. July 2: Set all the alarm clocks in Housewares to go off at 5-minute
intervals.
3. July 7: Made a trail of tomato juice on the floor leading to the
restrooms.
4. July 19: Walked up to an employee and told her in an official tone, 'Code
3' in housewares.. and watched what happened.
5. Aug 4: Went to the Service Desk and asked to put a bag of M&M's on
layaway.
6. Sept 14: Moved a 'CAUTION - WET FLOOR' sign to a carpeted area.
7. Sept 15: Set up a tent in the camping department and told other shoppers
he'd invite them in if they'll bring pillows from the bedding department.
8. Sept 23: When a clerk asks if they can help him, he begins to cry and
asks, 'Why can't you people just leave me alone?'
9. Oct 4: Looked right into the security camera; used it as a mirror, and
picked his nose.
10. Nov 10: While handling guns in hunting department, asked the clerk if he
knows where to find the antidepressants.
11. Dec 3: Darted around the store suspiciously loudly humming the "Mission
Impossible" theme
12. Dec 6: In the auto department, practiced his "Madonna look" using
different size funnels.
13. Dec 18: Hid in a clothing rack and when people browse through, yelled
"PICK ME!" "PICK ME!"
14. Dec 21: When an announcement came over the loud speaker, he assumes the
fetal position and screams "NO! NO! It's those voices again!!!!"
And last, but not least ...
15. Dec 23: Went into a fitting room, shut the door waited awhile, then
yelled very loudly, "There is no toilet paper in here!"
-cps_protection
Joined: Sep 2001
Posts: 5,862
Likes: 1
From: Lake Forest
OK this deaf-mute couple were having a problem with their love making. It seems that whenever one wanted to make love the other didn't and vice versa.
So one day, they were signing each other and decided to come up with a way to communicate their desires in the dark...
The lady said, OK, if I become amorous and you are not in the mood,
Pull my Tit ---- 3 times
The man said ok.. and if I become horny and you're not in the mood,
Pull my dick ---- 200 times!
So one day, they were signing each other and decided to come up with a way to communicate their desires in the dark...
The lady said, OK, if I become amorous and you are not in the mood,
Pull my Tit ---- 3 times
The man said ok.. and if I become horny and you're not in the mood,
Pull my dick ---- 200 times!