What do you call a smart blonde....

......
....
...
..
.

A Golden Retriever!

 

Because the server crashed!

Dear God,
Yesterday was an awful day for me......
My husband ran off with his secretary,
My son pierced his eyebrow,
My daughter tattooed the bald spot on her head,
My dog mated with the neighbors cat,
My neighbor sold her house to a mental institution,
My Mom told me I was adopted,
My boss told me I was laid off,
My sister was arrested for prostitution,
My house has termites,
My car was stolen,
All that came in the mail was bills,
A plane crash landed on my garage,
OJ Simpson came to my door selling rug cleaner,
And my TV blew.

Lord, please be with me today. I was able to live through all that misery yesterday. And I will be able to make it through anything today!! But please.... DON'T LET ANYTHING HAPPEN TO MY COMPUTER!!!!

 

A woman goes to her boyfriend's parents' house for Christmas dinner.

This is to be her first time meeting the family and she is very nervous.

They all sit down and begin eating a fine meal.

The woman is beginning to feel a little discomfort, thanks to her
nervousness and the broccoli casserole. The gas pains are almost making
her eyes water. Left with no other choice, she decides to relieve
herself a bit and lets out a dainty fart.

It wasn't loud, but everyone at the table heard the poof.
Before she even had a chance to be embarrassed, her boyfriend's father
looked over at the dog that had been snoozing under the woman's chair,
and said in a rather stern voice, "Skippy!".

The woman thought, "This is great!" and a big smile came across her
face.
A couple of minutes later, she was beginning to feel the pain again.
This time, she didn't even hesitate. She let a much louder and longer
rrrrrip.

The father again looked at the dog and yelled, "Dammit Skippy!"
Once again the woman smiled and thought "Yes!" A few minutes later the
woman had to let another rip. This time she didn't even think about it.
She let a fart rip that rivaled a train whistle blowing.

Once again, the father looked at the dog with disgust and yelled,
"Dammit Skippy, get away from her, before she shits on you!"

 

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=m2bycZa4zKY

 

Lol, now that was good!

 

LOL! And the actual movie was really good.

 

A Cat and a Rooster are walking down the street the cat falls into a puddle of water and a Rooster laughs......




Whats the moral of this story?




































A wet pussy makes a cock happy

 

Ever wonder what happens when Hallmark writers are having a bad day........

////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////


My tire was thumping.
I thought it was flat
When I looked at the tire...
I noticed your cat.
Sorry!

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ ~~~

Heard your wife left you,
How upset you must be.
But don't fret about it...
She moved in with me.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ ~~

Looking back over the years
that we've been together,
I can't help but wonder...
"What the hell was I thinking?"

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ ~~

Congratulations on your wedding day!
Too bad no one likes your husband.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ ~~

How could two people as beautiful as you
Have such an ugly baby?

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ ~~

I've always wanted to have
someone to hold,
someone to love.
After having met you ..
I've changed my mind.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ ~~

I must admit, you brought Religion into my life.
I never believed in Hell until I met you.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ ~~

As the days go by, I think of how lucky I am...
That you're not here to ruin it for me.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ ~~

Congratulations on your promotion.
Before you go...
Would you like to take this knife out of my back?
You'll probably need it again.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ ~~

Happy Birthday, Uncle Dad!
(Available only in Tennessee , Kentucky & West Virginia )

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ ~~

Happy birthday! You look great for your age.
Almost Lifelike!

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ ~~

When we were together,
you always said you'd die for me.
Now that we've broken up,
I think it's time you kept your promise.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ ~~

We have been friends for a very long time ..
let's say we stop?

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ ~~

I'm so miserable without you
it's almost like you're here.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ ~~

Congratulations on your new bundle of joy.
Did you ever find out who the father was?

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ ~~

Your friends and I wanted to do
something special for your birthday.
So we're having you put to sleep.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ ~~

So your daughter's a hooker,
and it spoiled your day.
Look at the bright side,
it's really good pay.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ ~~

 

My mother taught me RELIGION -
"Ay Bendito, pidele a Dios que yo no te agarre."

My Mother taught me about ANTICIPATION -
"Deja que lleguemos a casa co

 

College Entrance Exam: For Football Players

You Must Answer Two (2) or More Questions Correctly to Qualify.
1. What language is spoken in France?

2. Give a dissertation on the ancient Babylonian Empire with particular reference to architecture, literature, law and social conditions. OR Give the first name of PIERRE Trudeau.

3. Would you ask William Shakespeare to: (a) build a bridge (b) sail the ocean