JOKE OF THE DAY
Registered User
Joined: Oct 2006
Posts: 566
Likes: 1
From: Cercado
Wow, we can publish a book with so many funny jokes here, here is one from me:
A father passing by his son's bedroom, was astonished to see the bed
> was nicely made, and everything was picked up.
>
> Then, he saw an envelope, propped up prominently on the pillow.
>
> It was addressed, "Dad." With the worst premonition, he opened the
> envelope and read the letter, with trembling hands.
>
> "Dear, Dad. It is with great regret and sorrow that I'm writing you.
> I had to elope with my new girlfriend, because I wanted to avoid a
> scene with Mom and you.
>
> I've been finding real passion with Stacy, and she is so nice, but I
> knew you would not approve of her, because of all her piercings,
> tattoos, her tight Motorcycle clothes, and because she is so much
> older than I am.
>
> But it's not only the passion, Dad. She's pregnant. Stacy said that
> we will be very happy. She owns a trailer in the woods, and has a
> stack of firewood for the whole winter. We share a dream of having
> many more children.
>
> Stacy has opened my eyes to the fact that marijuana doesn't, really
> hurt anyone. We'll be growing it for ourselves, and trading it with
> the other people in the commune, for all the cocaine and ecstasy we
> want.
>
> In the meantime, we'll pray that science will find a cure for AIDS,
> so Stacy can get better. She sure deserves it!!
>
> Don't worry Dad, I'm 15, and I know how to take care of myself.
> Someday, I'm sure we'll be back to visit, so you can get to know your
> many grandchildren.
>
> Love, your son, John.
>
> P.S. Dad, none of the above is true. I'm over at Tommy's house. I
> just wanted to remind you that there are worse things in life than the
> school report that's on my desk. I love you!
>
> Call when it is safe for me to come home.
>
A father passing by his son's bedroom, was astonished to see the bed
> was nicely made, and everything was picked up.
>
> Then, he saw an envelope, propped up prominently on the pillow.
>
> It was addressed, "Dad." With the worst premonition, he opened the
> envelope and read the letter, with trembling hands.
>
> "Dear, Dad. It is with great regret and sorrow that I'm writing you.
> I had to elope with my new girlfriend, because I wanted to avoid a
> scene with Mom and you.
>
> I've been finding real passion with Stacy, and she is so nice, but I
> knew you would not approve of her, because of all her piercings,
> tattoos, her tight Motorcycle clothes, and because she is so much
> older than I am.
>
> But it's not only the passion, Dad. She's pregnant. Stacy said that
> we will be very happy. She owns a trailer in the woods, and has a
> stack of firewood for the whole winter. We share a dream of having
> many more children.
>
> Stacy has opened my eyes to the fact that marijuana doesn't, really
> hurt anyone. We'll be growing it for ourselves, and trading it with
> the other people in the commune, for all the cocaine and ecstasy we
> want.
>
> In the meantime, we'll pray that science will find a cure for AIDS,
> so Stacy can get better. She sure deserves it!!
>
> Don't worry Dad, I'm 15, and I know how to take care of myself.
> Someday, I'm sure we'll be back to visit, so you can get to know your
> many grandchildren.
>
> Love, your son, John.
>
> P.S. Dad, none of the above is true. I'm over at Tommy's house. I
> just wanted to remind you that there are worse things in life than the
> school report that's on my desk. I love you!
>
> Call when it is safe for me to come home.
>
Registered User
Joined: Jul 2006
Posts: 38
Likes: 0
lol
Letter from WalMart
Dear Mrs. Houghton
Over the past six months, your husband has been causing quite a commotion in
our store. We cannot tolerate this behavior and may ban both of you from our
stores.
We have documented all incidents on our video surveillance equipment. All
complaints against Mr. Houghton are listed below.
Things Mr. Stan Houghton has done while his spouse was shopping in
Walmart:
1. June 15: Took 24 boxes of condoms and randomly put them in people's carts
when they weren't looking.
2. July 2: Set all the alarm clocks in Housewares to go off at 5-minute
intervals.
3. July 7: Made a trail of tomato juice on the floor leading to the
restrooms.
4. July 19: Walked up to an employee and told her in an official tone, 'Code
3' in housewares.. and watched what happened.
5. Aug 4: Went to the Service Desk and asked to put a bag of M&M's on
layaway.
6. Sept 14: Moved a 'CAUTION - WET FLOOR' sign to a carpeted area.
7. Sept 15: Set up a tent in the camping department and told other shoppers
he'd invite them in if they'll bring pillows from the bedding department.
8. Sept 23: When a clerk asks if they can help him, he begins to cry and
asks, 'Why can't you people just leave me alone?'
9. Oct 4: Looked right into the security camera; used it as a mirror, and
picked his nose.
10. Nov 10: While handling guns in hunting department, asked the clerk if he
knows where to find the antidepressants.
11. Dec 3: Darted around the store suspiciously loudly humming the "Mission
Impossible" theme
12. Dec 6: In the auto department, practiced his "Madonna look" using
different size funnels.
13. Dec 18: Hid in a clothing rack and when people browse through, yelled
"PICK ME!" "PICK ME!"
14. Dec 21: When an announcement came over the loud speaker, he assumes the
fetal position and screams "NO! NO! It's those voices again!!!!"
And last, but not least ...
15. Dec 23: Went into a fitting room, shut the door waited awhile, then
yelled very loudly, "There is no toilet paper in here!"
Letter from WalMart
Dear Mrs. Houghton
Over the past six months, your husband has been causing quite a commotion in
our store. We cannot tolerate this behavior and may ban both of you from our
stores.
We have documented all incidents on our video surveillance equipment. All
complaints against Mr. Houghton are listed below.
Things Mr. Stan Houghton has done while his spouse was shopping in
Walmart:
1. June 15: Took 24 boxes of condoms and randomly put them in people's carts
when they weren't looking.
2. July 2: Set all the alarm clocks in Housewares to go off at 5-minute
intervals.
3. July 7: Made a trail of tomato juice on the floor leading to the
restrooms.
4. July 19: Walked up to an employee and told her in an official tone, 'Code
3' in housewares.. and watched what happened.
5. Aug 4: Went to the Service Desk and asked to put a bag of M&M's on
layaway.
6. Sept 14: Moved a 'CAUTION - WET FLOOR' sign to a carpeted area.
7. Sept 15: Set up a tent in the camping department and told other shoppers
he'd invite them in if they'll bring pillows from the bedding department.
8. Sept 23: When a clerk asks if they can help him, he begins to cry and
asks, 'Why can't you people just leave me alone?'
9. Oct 4: Looked right into the security camera; used it as a mirror, and
picked his nose.
10. Nov 10: While handling guns in hunting department, asked the clerk if he
knows where to find the antidepressants.
11. Dec 3: Darted around the store suspiciously loudly humming the "Mission
Impossible" theme
12. Dec 6: In the auto department, practiced his "Madonna look" using
different size funnels.
13. Dec 18: Hid in a clothing rack and when people browse through, yelled
"PICK ME!" "PICK ME!"
14. Dec 21: When an announcement came over the loud speaker, he assumes the
fetal position and screams "NO! NO! It's those voices again!!!!"
And last, but not least ...
15. Dec 23: Went into a fitting room, shut the door waited awhile, then
yelled very loudly, "There is no toilet paper in here!"
Joined: Oct 2005
Posts: 1,823
Likes: 1
A young man joined the army and signed up with the paratroopers.
He went through the standard training, completed the practice jumps from
higher and higher structures, and finally went to take his first jump
from an airplane.
The next day, he called home to tell his father the news.
"So, did you jump?" asked the father.
"Well, let me tell you what happened," the son said. "We got up in the
plane, and the sergeant opened up the door and asked for volunteers.
About a dozen men got up and just walked out of the plane.
"Is that when you jumped?" asked his father.
"Uh, no. The sergeant started to grab the other men one at a time and
throw them out the door."
"Did you jump then?" asked his father.
"I'm getting to that. Everyone else had jumped, and I was the last man
left on the plane. I told the sergeant that I was too scared to jump.
He told me to get off the plane or he'd kick my butt.
"So, did you jump?"
"No. He tried to push me out of the plane, but I grabbed onto the door
and refused to go. Finally he called over the Jump Master. The Jump
Master is this great big guy, about six-foot five, and 250 pounds. He
said to me, 'Are you gonna jump or not?'"
"I said, 'No sir, I'm too scared." So the Jump Master pulled down his
zipper and took out his you-know-what. I swear, dad, it was about ten
inches long and big around as a baseball bat! He said, 'Either you jump
out that door, or I'm sticking this little baby up your ass.'"
"So, did you jump?" asked his father.
"Well, a little, at first."
He went through the standard training, completed the practice jumps from
higher and higher structures, and finally went to take his first jump
from an airplane.
The next day, he called home to tell his father the news.
"So, did you jump?" asked the father.
"Well, let me tell you what happened," the son said. "We got up in the
plane, and the sergeant opened up the door and asked for volunteers.
About a dozen men got up and just walked out of the plane.
"Is that when you jumped?" asked his father.
"Uh, no. The sergeant started to grab the other men one at a time and
throw them out the door."
"Did you jump then?" asked his father.
"I'm getting to that. Everyone else had jumped, and I was the last man
left on the plane. I told the sergeant that I was too scared to jump.
He told me to get off the plane or he'd kick my butt.
"So, did you jump?"
"No. He tried to push me out of the plane, but I grabbed onto the door
and refused to go. Finally he called over the Jump Master. The Jump
Master is this great big guy, about six-foot five, and 250 pounds. He
said to me, 'Are you gonna jump or not?'"
"I said, 'No sir, I'm too scared." So the Jump Master pulled down his
zipper and took out his you-know-what. I swear, dad, it was about ten
inches long and big around as a baseball bat! He said, 'Either you jump
out that door, or I'm sticking this little baby up your ass.'"
"So, did you jump?" asked his father.
"Well, a little, at first."
Registered User
Joined: Dec 2005
Posts: 3,193
Likes: 0
From: Miami/305
Yo mama is so stupid
Yo mama so stupid it took her 2 hours to watch 60 minutes
Yo mama so stupid when she saw the NC-17 (under 17 not admitted) sign, she went home and got 16 friends
Yo mama so stupid when your dad said it was chilly outside, she ran outside with a spoon
Yo mama so stupid she told everyone that she was "illegitiment" because she couldn't read
Yo mama so stupid that she puts lipstick on her head just to make-up her mind
Yo mama so stupid she hears it's chilly outside so she gets a bowl
Yo mama so stupid you have to dig for her IQ!
Yo mama so stupid she got locked in a grocery store and starved!
Yo mama so stupid it took her 2 hours to watch 60 Minutes!
Yo mama so stupid that she tried to put M&M's in alphabetical order!
Yo mama so stupid she could trip over a cordless phone!
Yo mama so stupid she sold her car for gasoline money!
Yo mama so stupid she bought a solar-powered flashlight!
Yo mama so stupid she thinks a quarterback is a refund!
Yo mama so stupid she took a cup to see Juice.
Yo mama so stupid that she sold the car for gas money.
Yo mama so stupid she asked you "What is the number for 911"
Yo mama so stupid she took a ruler to bed to see how long she slept.
Yo mama so stupid when she read on her job application to not write below the dotted line she put "O.K."
Yo mama so stupid she got stabbed in a shoot out.
Yo mama so stupid she stole free bread.
Yo mama so stupid she took a spoon to the superbowl.
Yo mama so stupid she called Dan Quayle for a spell check.
Yo mama so stupid she stepped on a crack and broke her own back.
Yo mama so stupid she makes Beavis and Butt-Head look like Nobel Prize winners.
Yo mama so stupid she thought she needed a token to get on Soul Train.
Yo mama so stupid she took the Pepsi challenge and chose Jif.
Yo mama so stupid when you stand next to her you hear the ocean!
Yo mama so stupid she hears it's chilly outside so she gets a bowl
Yo mama so stupid she got locked in a grocery store and starved!
Yo mama so stupid she thinks Fleetwood Mac is a new hamburger at McDonalds!
Yo mama so stupid she sits on the TV, and watches the couch!
Yo mama so stupid that she thought Boyz II Men was a day care center.
Yo mama so stupid she bought a videocamera to record cable tv shows at home.
Yo mama so stupid when she went to take the 44 bus, she took the 22 twice instead.
Yo mama so stupid she jumped out the window and went up.
Yo mama so stupid she thought a quarterback was an income tax refund.
Yo mama so stupid she took a umbrella to see Purple Rain.
Yo mama so stupid that under "Education" on her job apllication, she put "Hooked on Phonics."
Yo mama so stupid she put out the cigarette butt that was heating your house.
Yo mama so stupid she put lipstick on her forehead, talking about she was trying to makeup her mind.
Yo mama so stupid she watches "The Three Stooges" and takes notes.
Yo mama so stupid it took her 2 hours to watch 60 minutes
Yo mama so stupid when she saw the NC-17 (under 17 not admitted) sign, she went home and got 16 friends
Yo mama so stupid when your dad said it was chilly outside, she ran outside with a spoon
Yo mama so stupid she told everyone that she was "illegitiment" because she couldn't read
Yo mama so stupid that she puts lipstick on her head just to make-up her mind
Yo mama so stupid she hears it's chilly outside so she gets a bowl
Yo mama so stupid you have to dig for her IQ!
Yo mama so stupid she got locked in a grocery store and starved!
Yo mama so stupid it took her 2 hours to watch 60 Minutes!
Yo mama so stupid that she tried to put M&M's in alphabetical order!
Yo mama so stupid she could trip over a cordless phone!
Yo mama so stupid she sold her car for gasoline money!
Yo mama so stupid she bought a solar-powered flashlight!
Yo mama so stupid she thinks a quarterback is a refund!
Yo mama so stupid she took a cup to see Juice.
Yo mama so stupid that she sold the car for gas money.
Yo mama so stupid she asked you "What is the number for 911"
Yo mama so stupid she took a ruler to bed to see how long she slept.
Yo mama so stupid when she read on her job application to not write below the dotted line she put "O.K."
Yo mama so stupid she got stabbed in a shoot out.
Yo mama so stupid she stole free bread.
Yo mama so stupid she took a spoon to the superbowl.
Yo mama so stupid she called Dan Quayle for a spell check.
Yo mama so stupid she stepped on a crack and broke her own back.
Yo mama so stupid she makes Beavis and Butt-Head look like Nobel Prize winners.
Yo mama so stupid she thought she needed a token to get on Soul Train.
Yo mama so stupid she took the Pepsi challenge and chose Jif.
Yo mama so stupid when you stand next to her you hear the ocean!
Yo mama so stupid she hears it's chilly outside so she gets a bowl
Yo mama so stupid she got locked in a grocery store and starved!
Yo mama so stupid she thinks Fleetwood Mac is a new hamburger at McDonalds!
Yo mama so stupid she sits on the TV, and watches the couch!
Yo mama so stupid that she thought Boyz II Men was a day care center.
Yo mama so stupid she bought a videocamera to record cable tv shows at home.
Yo mama so stupid when she went to take the 44 bus, she took the 22 twice instead.
Yo mama so stupid she jumped out the window and went up.
Yo mama so stupid she thought a quarterback was an income tax refund.
Yo mama so stupid she took a umbrella to see Purple Rain.
Yo mama so stupid that under "Education" on her job apllication, she put "Hooked on Phonics."
Yo mama so stupid she put out the cigarette butt that was heating your house.
Yo mama so stupid she put lipstick on her forehead, talking about she was trying to makeup her mind.
Yo mama so stupid she watches "The Three Stooges" and takes notes.
Registered User
Joined: Jan 2006
Posts: 71
Likes: 0
From: SFL
Subject: Paying your bills!
Once upon a time, and far, far away lived a beautiful queen with voluptuous breasts.
Nick the Dragon slayer knew that the penalty for his desire would be death should he try to touch them. The king was a very jealous man.
One day Nick revealed his secret desire to his colleague, Horatio the Physician, who was the king's chief doctor.
Horatio the Physician exclaimed that he could arrange for Nick the Dragon Slayer to satisfy his desire, but it would cost him 1,000 gold coins to arrange it.
Without pause, Nick the Dragon Slayer readily agreed to the scheme.
The next day, Horatio the Physician made a batch of itching powder and poured a little bit into the queen's brassiere while she bathed.
Soon after she dressed, the itching commenced and grew intense.
Upon being summoned to the royal chambers to address this incident, Horatio the Physician informed the king and queen that only special saliva, if applied for four hours, would cure this type of itch, and that tests had shown that only the saliva of Nick the Dragon Slayer would work as the cure for the itch.
The king quickly summoned Nick the Dragon Slayer.
Horatio the Physician then slipped Nick the Dragon Slayer the antidote for the itching powder, which he quickly put into his mouth, and for the next four hours, Nick worked passionately on the queen's voluptuous and magnificent breasts.
The queen's itching was eventually relieved, and Nick the Dragon Slayer left satisfied and touted as a hero.
Upon returning to his chamber, Nick the Dragon Slayer found Horatio the Physician demanding his payment of 1,000 gold coins.
With his obsession now satisfied, Nick the Dragon Slayer couldn't have cared less and, knowing that Horatio the Physician could never report this matter to the king, with a laugh just told him to get lost.
The next day, Horatio the Physician slipped a massive dose of the same itching powder into the king's underwear .
The king immediately summoned Nick the Dragon Slayer...
Moral of the story: Pay your bills! ---------------
Once upon a time, and far, far away lived a beautiful queen with voluptuous breasts.
Nick the Dragon slayer knew that the penalty for his desire would be death should he try to touch them. The king was a very jealous man.
One day Nick revealed his secret desire to his colleague, Horatio the Physician, who was the king's chief doctor.
Horatio the Physician exclaimed that he could arrange for Nick the Dragon Slayer to satisfy his desire, but it would cost him 1,000 gold coins to arrange it.
Without pause, Nick the Dragon Slayer readily agreed to the scheme.
The next day, Horatio the Physician made a batch of itching powder and poured a little bit into the queen's brassiere while she bathed.
Soon after she dressed, the itching commenced and grew intense.
Upon being summoned to the royal chambers to address this incident, Horatio the Physician informed the king and queen that only special saliva, if applied for four hours, would cure this type of itch, and that tests had shown that only the saliva of Nick the Dragon Slayer would work as the cure for the itch.
The king quickly summoned Nick the Dragon Slayer.
Horatio the Physician then slipped Nick the Dragon Slayer the antidote for the itching powder, which he quickly put into his mouth, and for the next four hours, Nick worked passionately on the queen's voluptuous and magnificent breasts.
The queen's itching was eventually relieved, and Nick the Dragon Slayer left satisfied and touted as a hero.
Upon returning to his chamber, Nick the Dragon Slayer found Horatio the Physician demanding his payment of 1,000 gold coins.
With his obsession now satisfied, Nick the Dragon Slayer couldn't have cared less and, knowing that Horatio the Physician could never report this matter to the king, with a laugh just told him to get lost.
The next day, Horatio the Physician slipped a massive dose of the same itching powder into the king's underwear .
The king immediately summoned Nick the Dragon Slayer...
Moral of the story: Pay your bills! ---------------
Registered User
Joined: Dec 2005
Posts: 3,193
Likes: 0
From: Miami/305
Two blondes were planning to rob a bank. The first blonde had a tendancy to be smarter than the second.
They went over and over their plans for the robbery and finally they headed out to commit the crime. They pulled up in their car in front of the bank.
The first blonde says to the second blonde, "Are you SURE you understand the plan?"
"Yes!" replied the second blonde.
So the second blonde gets out of the passenger side of the car and heads into the bank.
Time passes, and after 10 minutes the second blonde has not returned. The first blonde gets very nervous.
Finally, out comes the second blonde from the bank dragging the safe behind her by a rope, and seconds behind her comes the guard with his pants down.
"No you idiot! I told you to blow the SAFE and tie-up the GUARD!"
They went over and over their plans for the robbery and finally they headed out to commit the crime. They pulled up in their car in front of the bank.
The first blonde says to the second blonde, "Are you SURE you understand the plan?"
"Yes!" replied the second blonde.
So the second blonde gets out of the passenger side of the car and heads into the bank.
Time passes, and after 10 minutes the second blonde has not returned. The first blonde gets very nervous.
Finally, out comes the second blonde from the bank dragging the safe behind her by a rope, and seconds behind her comes the guard with his pants down.
"No you idiot! I told you to blow the SAFE and tie-up the GUARD!"