Evaluating this painting

A Brit, a Frenchman and a Cuban are viewing a painting of Adam and Eve frolicking in the Garden of Eden.

"Look at their reserve, their calm," muses the Brit. "They must be British."

"Nonsense," the Frenchman disagrees. "They're naked, and so beautiful. Clearly, they are French."

"No clothes, no shelter," the Cuban points out, "they have only an apple to eat, and they're being told this is paradise. They are Cuban."

 

Four friends, who hadn't seen each other in 30 years, reunited at a party.

After several drinks, one of the men had to use the rest room.


Those who remained talked about their kids.

The first guy said, "My son is my pride and joy. He started working at a successful company at the bottom of the barrel. He studied Economics
and Business Administration and soon began to climb the corporate ladder and now he's the president of the company. He became so rich that he gave
his best friend a top of the line Mercedes for his birthday."

The second guy said, "Darn, that's terrific! My son is also my pride and joy. He started working for a big airline, then went to flight school to become a pilot. Eventually he became a partner in the company, where he owns the majority of its assets He's so rich that he gave his best
friend a brand new jet for his birthday."

The third man said: "Well, that's terrific! My son studied in the best universities and became an engineer. Then he started his own construction company and is now a multimillionaire. He also gave away
something very nice and expensive to his best friend for his
birthday: A 30,000 square foot mansion."

The three friends congratulated each other just as the fourth
returned from the restroom and asked: "What are all the congratulations for?"

One of the three said: "We were talking about the pride we feel for the successes of our sons. ...What about your son?"
The fourth man replied: "My son is gay and makes a living dancing as a stripper at a nightclub."
The three friends said: "What a shame... what a disappointment."

The fourth man replied: "No, I'm not ashamed. He's my son and I love him. And he hasn't done too bad either. His birthday was two weeks ago, and he
received a beautiful 30,000 square foot mansion, a brand new jet anda top of the line Mercedes from his three boyfriends."

 

I never quite figured out why the sexual urge of men and women differ so much. And I never have figured out the whole Venus and Mars thing. I have never figured out why men think with their head and women with their heart.

FOR EXAMPLE:

One evening last week, my girlfriend and I were getting into bed.

Well, the passion starts to heat up, and she eventually says, "I don't feel like it, I just want you to hold me."

I said, "WHAT??!! What was that?!"

So she says the words that every boyfriend on the planet dreads to hear...

"You're just not in touch with my emotional needs as a woman enough for me to satisfy your physical needs as a man."

She responded to my puzzled look by saying, "Can't you just love me for who I am and not what I do for you in the bedroom?"

Realizing that nothing was going to happen that night, I went to sleep.

The very next day I opted to take the day off of work to spend time with her. We went out to a nice lunch and then went shopping at a big, big unnamed department store. I walked around with her while she tried on several different very expensive outfits. She couldn't decide which one to take, so I told her we'd just buy them all. She wanted new shoes to compliment her new clothes, so I said, "Lets get a pair for each outfit."

We went on to the jewelry department where she picked out a pair of diamond earrings. Let me tell you... she was so excited. She must have thought I was one wave short of a shipwreck. I started to think she was testing me because she asked for a tennis bracelet when she doesn't even know how to play tennis.

I think I threw her for a loop when I said, "That's fine, honey." She was almost nearing sexual satisfaction from all of the excitement. Smiling with excited anticipation, she finally said, "I think this is all
dear, let's go to the cashier."

I could hardly contain myself when I blurted out, "No honey, I don't feel like it."

Her face just went completely blank as her jaw dropped with a baffled, "WHAT?"

I then said, "Honey! I just want you to HOLD this stuff for a while. You're just not in touch with my financial needs as a man enough for me to satisfy your shopping needs as a woman."

And just when she had this look like she was going to kill me, I added, "Why can't you just love me for who I am and not for the things I buy you?"

Apparently I'm not having sex tonight either....but at least that bitch knows I'm smarter than her.

 

A 5 yr old boy went to visit his grandmother one day.
While playing with his toys in her bedroom while Grandma
was dusting, he looked up at her and said, "Grandma, how
come you don't have a boyfriend?"

Grandma replied, "Honey, my TV is my boyfriend. I can sit
in my bedroom and watch it all day long. The TV evangelists
keep me company and make me feel so good. The comedies
make me laugh. I'm really happy with the TV as my boyfriend."

Grandma turned on the TV and the reception was terrible. She
started adjusting the knobs, trying to get the picture in focus.
Frustrated, she finally started hitting the backside of the TV,
hoping to fix the problem.

The little boy heard the doorbell ring, so he hurried to open the
door, and there stood a man.

The man said, "Hello, son, is your Grandma home?"

The little boy replied, "Yeah, but she's in the bedroom bangin' her
boyfriend."

Grandma's Minister walked away totally speechless.

 

A traveling salesman traveling thru alabama walks up to a door and knocks.

To his surprise a young boy of 7 opens the door and says.

" Hi.. how may i hep you? "

After deciphering what the young man said, replies " May I speak with your parents?"

The boy replies, " Dey wuz in.. but dey is out now. "

Unable to restrain himself, " Young man, where did you learn to speak like that? Where is your Grammer? "

The boy looks him in the eye and says, " my grammer be in de kichen makin cokies "

 

Bragging about Japan

There was a Japanese man who went to America for sightseeing. On the last day, he hailed a cab and told the driver to drive to the airport. During the journey, a Honda drove past the taxi. Thereupon, the man leaned out of the window excitedly and yelled, "Honda, very fast! Made in Japan!"

After a while, a Toyota sped past the taxi. Again, the Japanese man leaned out of the window and yelled, "Toyota, very fast! Made in Japan!"

And then a Mitsubishi sped past the taxi. For the third time, the Japanese leaned out of the window and yelled, "Mitsubishi, very fast! Made in Japan!"

The driver was a little angry, but he kept quiet. And this went on for quite a number of cars. Finally, the taxi came to the airport. The fare was US$300.

The Japanese exclaimed, "Wah... so expensive!"

There upon, the driver yelled back, "Meter, very fast! Made in Japan!"

 

You thought you where having a bad day?

 

alarm system

-sugarbear

 

Ways to confuse Santa Claus

1. Instead of milk and cookies, leave him a salad, and a note explaining that you think he could stand to lose a few pounds.

2. While he's in the house, go find his sleigh and write him a speeding ticket.

3. Leave him a note, explaining that you've gone away for the holidays. Ask if he would mind watering your plants.

4. While he's in the house, replace all his reindeer with exact replicas. Then wait and see what happens when he tries to get them to fly.

5. Keep an angry bull in your living room. If you think a bull goes crazy when he sees a little red cape, wait until he sees that big, red Santa suit!

6. Build an army of mean-looking snowmen on the roof, holding signs that say "We hate Christmas," and "Go away Santa."

7. Leave a note by the telephone, telling Santa that Mrs. Claus called and wanted to remind him to pick up some milk and a loaf of bread on his way home.

 

A woman walks into a tax accountant's office and tells him that she needs to file her taxes.

The accountant says: "Before we begin, I'll need to ask you a few questions."

He gets her name, address, social security number, etc, and then asks, "what is your occupation?"

"I'm a whore," she says.

The accountant balks and says, "No, No, No, that won't work. That is too gross. Let's try to rephrase that."

The woman says, OK" I'm a high-end call girl."

"No, that is still too crude. Try again."

They both think for a minute, then the woman says, "I'm an elite chicken farmer."

The accountant asks, "What does chicken farming have to do with being a whore call girl?'

"Well, I raised over a thousand little peckers last year." "Good enough."



And speaking of taxes

The only thing that the IRS has not yet taxed is the penis.

This is due to the fact that 40% of the time it is hanging around unemployed, 30% of the time it is hard up, 20% of the time it is pissed off and 10% of the time it's in the hole.

It has two dependents, but they're nuts.

Effective January 1, 2007, penises will be taxed according to size.

The brackets are as follows:

10"-12" Luxury Tax

8"-10" Pole Tax

5"-8" Privilege Tax

4"-5" Nuisance Tax

Males exceeding 12" must file under capital gains.

Anyone under 4" is eligible for a refund.

PLEASE DO NOT ASK FOR AN EXTENSION!

Issues still under consideration are as follows:

Are there penalties for early withdrawal?

Do multiple partners count as a corporation?

Are condoms deductible as work clothes?