lol

 

If Women ruled the world...

- Men would sit around and wonder what WE are thinking.

- Singles bars would have metal detectors to weed out men hiding wedding rings in their pockets.

- A man would no longer be considered a "good catch" simply because he is breathing.

- Fewer women would be dieting because their ideal weight standard would increase by 40 pounds.

- Shopping would be considered an aerobic activity.

- "Ms." Magazine would have an annual swimsuit issue featuring scantily clad male models.

- Men would not be allowed to eat gas-producing foods within two hours of bedtime.

- Men would be secretaries for female bosses, working twice as hard for none of the credit.

- Little girls would read "Snow White and the Seven Hunks."

- Men would bring drinks, chips and dip to women watching soap operas.

- Men would HAVE to get Playboy for the articles, because there would be no pictures.

- Men would learn phrases like:"I'm sorry," "I love you," "You're beautiful," "Of course you don't look fat in that outfit."

- Men would be judged entirely by their looks, women by their accomplishments.

- Men would pay as much attention to their woman as to their car.

- All toilet seats would be nailed down.

- Men would work on relationships as much as they work on their careers.

- TV news segments on sports would never run longer than 1 minute.

- All men would be forced to spend one month in a PMS simulator.

- During mid-life crisis, men would get hot-flashes and women would date 19-year-olds.

- Overweight men would have their weight brought to their attention constantly.

- After a baby is born, men would take a six-week paternity leave to wait on their wives hand and foot.

- For basic training, soldiers would have to take care of a two-year old for six weeks.

 

Little Johnny walked into his dad's bedroom one day only to catch him sitting on the side of his bed sliding on a condom. Johnny's father, in attempt to hide his full erection with a condom on it, bent over as if to look under the bed.

Little Johnny asked curiously "What ya doin dad?"

His father quickly replied, "I thought I saw a rat go underneath the bed, to which Little Johnny replied "What ya gonna do, **** him?"



FEMALE POEM

I want a man that's handsome, smart and strong
One who loves to listen long,
One who thinks before he speaks,
One who'll call, not wait for weeks.
I want him to be gainfully employed,
And when I spend his cash, he not be annoyed.
Pulls out my chair and opens my door,
Massages my back and begs to do more.!
Oh! For a man that makes love to my mind, and knows what to answer to "how big is my behind?"
I want this man to love me to no end, and always be my very best friend.

MALE POEM

I want a deaf-mute nymphomaniac with huge boobs who owns a liquor store, a big boat and a golf course.
I know this doesn't rhyme and I don't give a shit

 

If everything seems to be going well, you have obviously overlooked
something.

-Steven Wright

 

They always ask at the doctor's office why you are there, and you have
>> to answer in front of others what's wrong and sometimes it is very
>> embarrassing. There's nothing worse than a Doctor's Receptionist who
>> insists you tell her what is wrong with you in a room full of other
>> patients. I know most of us have experienced this, and I love the way
>> this old guy handled it.
>>
>> An 86 year old man walked into a crowded waiting room and approached
>> the desk.... The Receptionist said, "Yes sir, what are you seeing the
>> Doctor for today??"
>>
>> "There's something wrong with my dick", he replied.
>> < br>The Receptionist became irritated and said, "You shouldn't come into
>> a
>> crowded waiting room and say things like that."
>>
>> Why not? You asked me what was wrong and I told you," he said.
>>
>> The Receptionist replied; "Now you've caused some embarrassment in this
>> room full of people. You should have said there is something wrong with
>> your ear or something and discussed the problem further with the Doctor
>> in private."
>>
>> The man replied, "You shouldn't ask people questions in a room full
>> strangers, if the answer could embarrass anyone."
>>
>> The man walked out, waited several minutes and then re-entered.
>>
>> The Receptionist smiled smugly and asked, "Yes??"
>>
>> There's something wrong with my ear," he stated.
>>
>> The Receptionist nodded approvingly and smiled, knowing he had taken
>> her advice. "And what is wrong with your ear, Sir??"
>>
>> I can't piss out of it," he replied.
>>
>> The waiting room erupted in laughter. Mess with seniors and you're
>> gonna lose!

 

This is hilarious, Which do you think won???? Male Female



>

> So true

>



>

> A Spanish teacher

>

> was explaining to her class

>

> that in Spanish, unlike English,

>

> nouns are designated as either

>

> masculine or feminine.

> "House" for instance, is feminine:

>

> "la casa." "Pencil,"however, is masculine: "el

> lapiz."

> A student asked,

>

> "What gender is 'computer'?"

> Instead of giving the answer, the teacher split the

> class into two

> groups, male and female, and asked them to decide

> for themselves whether

> "computer"should be a masculine or a feminine noun.

> Each group was asked

> to give four reasons for its recommendation.

> The men's group decided that"computer" should

> definitely be of the

> feminine gender ("la computadora"), because:

>

> 1. No one but their creator understands their

> internal logic;

> 2. The native language they use to communicate with

> other computers is

> incomprehensible to everyone else;

>

> 3. Even the smallest mistakes are stored in long

> term memory for

> possible later retrieval; and

> 4. As soon as you make a commitment to one, you find

> yourself spending

> half your paycheck on accessories for it.

>

> (THIS? GETS ?BETTER!)

>

> The women's group, however, concluded that computers

> should be Masculine

> ("el computador"), because:

>

> 1. In order to do anything with them, you have to

> turn them on;

>

> 2. They have a lot of data but still can't think for themselves;

> 3. They are supposed to help you solve problems, but

> half the time they

> ARE the problem; and

>

> 4. As soon as you commit to one, you realize that if

> you had waited a

> little longer, you could have gotten a better model.

> The women won.

 

A train hits a bus filled with Catholic school girls and they all perish.

They are in heaven trying to enter the pearly gates when St. Peter asks the
first girl, "Tiffany, have you ever had any contact with a male organ?"
She giggles and shyly replies, "We ll, I once touched the head of one with
the tip of my finger." St. Peter says, "Okay, dip the tip of your finger in
the Holy Water and pass through the gate." St. Peter asks the next girl the
same question, "Sandra, have you ever had any contact with a male organ?"
The girl is a little reluctant but replies, "Well, once I fondled and
stroked one." St. Peter says, "Okay, dip your whole hand in the Holy Water
and pass through the gate."

All of a sudden, there is a lot of commotion in the line of girls. One girl
is pushing her way to the front of the line. When she reaches the front,
St. Peter says, "Reva, What seems to be the rush?" The girl replies, "If
I'm going to have to gargle that Holy Water, I want to do it before Jessica
sticks her ass in it."

 

The new Euro language

The European Union commissioners have announced that agreement has been reached to adopt English as the preferred language for European communications, rather than German, which was the other possibility. As part of the negotiations, Her Majesty's Government conceded that English spelling had some room for improvement and has accepted a five-year phased plan for what will be known as EuroEnglish (Euro for short).

In the first year, "s" will be used instead of the soft "c". Sertainly, sivil servants will resieve this news with joy. Also, the hard "c" will be replaced with "k". Not only will this klear up konfusion, but typewriters kan have one less letter.

There will be growing publik emthusiasm in the sekond year, when the troublesome "ph" will be replaced by "f". This will make words like "fotograf" 20 per sent shorter.

In the third year, publik akseptanse of the new spelling kan be expekted to reach the stage where more komplikated changes are possible.

Governments will enkorage the removal of double letters, which have always ben a deterent to akurate speling. Also, al wil agre that the horible mes of silent "e"s in the languag is disgrasful, and they would go.

By the fourth year, peopl wil be reseptiv to steps such as replasing "th" by z" and "w" by v

During ze fifz year, ze unesesary "o" kan be dropd from vords kontaining "ou", and similar changes vud of kors be aplid to ozer kombinations of leters.

After zis fifz yer, ve vil hav a reli sensibl riten styl. Zer vil be no mor trubls or difikultis and evrivun vil find it ezi tu understand ech ozer.

Ze drem vil finali kum tru!

 

Arkansas governer application

First name: ______________________
Last name(if known):______________

Address (where you live):_________
__________________________________


Mother's name_____________________
(also relation, i.e., sister)

Birthdate(yours):__________________

Father's name:_____________________
(if known, if not, list choices)

Color of neck:
Light Red ( )
Medium Red( )
Dark Red ( )
No Neck ( )

Year of pickup truck:_____________

List all that you have in your truck:

Fuzzy Dice( )
Gun Rack( )
Coon Tail( )
Filled ash tray( )
Dead Road Kill( )
Dog of Unknown Breed( )

Have you ever been to a large city?
(Like Little Rock) Yes ( ) No ( )


How far can you throw cow pies?____
Do you eat cow pies? Yes( ) No( )

Wife's name:__________________
Is she: Cousin( ) Neighbor( )
Sister( ) Aunt ( ) Mother( )
Neighbor's dog( )

Does your wife weigh:
Less than 200 Pounds( )
Less than 300 Pounds( )
Less than a 747( )
More than a 747( )

Do you know what a 747 is?
Yes( ) No( )

How much smarter than you
is your wife:

50 IQ Points( ) 75 IQ Points( )
100 IQ Points( ) She Won't Tell Me( )

Does your wife wear:

A Dress( )
Pants( )
Hot Pants( )
Your Pants( )
Them Lawyer Clothes( )
Nothing( )

Understood previous questions:

Yes( ) No( ) Huh?( )
All of the Above( )
What "previous" mean?( )

Color of wife's hair:

Blonde( ) Red( ) Brown( )
Black( ) Bald( )

Last Elvis sighting:
Location: ________________
On what date?_____________

Can you count past five:
Yes( ) No( ) Past ten: Yes( ) No( )

Explain in ten words or less
why on Earth you want to be Governor
of Arkansas:

 

Eddie wanted desperately to have sex with this really cute, really hot
Girl at his office.... but she was dating someone else. One day Eddie
got
so frustrated that he went to her and said, "I'll give you a $100 if
you
let me have sex with you..." The girl looked at him, and then said,
"NO." Eddie said, "I'll be real fast. I'll throw the money on the
floor, you bend down, and I'll finish by the time you've picked it
up." She thought for a moment and said that she would consult with her
boyfriend... so she called him and explained the situation. Her
boyfriend says, "Ask him for $200, and pick up the money really fast.
He
won't even be able to get his pants down." She agreed and Eddie accepts
the arrangement. Over half an hour goes by and the boyfriend is still
waiting for his girlfriend's call. Finally, after 45 minutes the
boyfriend calls and asks what happened....? Still breathing hard, she
managed to reply, "The bastard had all nickels!"